Empathy and Lived Experience (Part 1)

 I spent an inordinate amount of time contemplating the idea of Empathy and Lived Experience last week. Sharing my thoughts about these with a handful of trusted individuals, I took some time to reflect further before writing (although the urge was to just write there and then). Even this writing has taken several days - as thoughts continue to surface even as I am writing.

So anyway, these are my conclusions (for) NOW. And as always, I suspect there will be those who agree and there will be those who disagree. And that's perfectly ok with me. This is after all, a personal journey of discovery and I do not expect others to have to travel the same path or to reach identical perspectives.

Let's begin with two definitions (in relation to mental health/wellbeing).

"Lived experience refers to having first-hand experience with mental health or substance use challenges. The word “lived” is used to differentiate from others who may have experience of working with mental health and substance use conditions but have not personally lived through those challenges" (https://www.smchealth.org/article/lived-experience-expertise)

Check out "Reflecting on Lived Experiences in Mental Health" by Shuranjeet Singh, Founder at Taraki (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/reflecting-lived-experiences-mental-health-shuranjeet-singh/)

"The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences. Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling." (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition)

That out of the way, I would like to acknowledge that when I first started on this path of healing self and others (as a young counselor in the US), I was apt to say that one need not actually have experienced the exact pain of the client in order to be able to assist.  This is because of two factors: (1) the knowledge/education one has received while being trained to be a counselor/therapist allows one the understanding of how development occurs as well as how to make changes and adaptations, and (2) this thing called "empathy" - to relate to what is feeling even if our experience of that feeling is not 100% identical.

An example I used, even up to just recently, when training and/or supervising others in the helping profession is that one does not have to be a raped victim in order to provide counseling/therapy to a client who is a victim of such.  It seem ludicrous to say to a client who comes in seeking help to overcome their trauma of having been raped, "oh, please give me 30 minutes to go out and get raped because I have never experienced that and I can't readily help you if I do not have such an experience." Everyone should be able to see how ridiculous that claim would be.

Another situation where I was faced with this challenge of supposedly not being able to help a client unless I have walked in their shoes was when I worked in a substance abuse treatment facility within the Department of Corrections in the US.  The facility (program) was actually within a "prison" setting (what they called a correctional institution) for youthful offenders.

At this facility they desired to approach the treatment of substance use, dependence, and abuse from three primary approaches: from a psychosocial education perspective, a psychological/treatment perspective, and from a "user" (recovering addict) perspective. I was hired as one of the 3 counselors and my task was to aid in the recovery via counseling/therapy while another counselor was an educator with degree in education, and the third was a counselor who was a recovering addict using the approach of the AA movement. (Note the title of a counselor does not necessarily denote educational/academic training in psychology or counseling).

The contention of the 3rd counselor (from the AA approach) was that neither the educator not the therapist could ever relate to the experience of an addict unless they have gone through the experience of being an addict themselves. The position of the other two, on the other hand, was that the knowledge gained from education (learning) and exprience working with individuals were at least as significant as the personal experience of using, dependence, and abuse of mind altering / controlled substance. 

A key component to this as being able to help largely depended on an understanding of the process as well as the ability to "relate" (empathize) with the challenges faced by these individuals. Furthermore, an advantage (and perhaps also disadvantage) of not having been an addict/abuser/user afforded some objectivity when relating to the client. Conversely, subjectivity could also be argued as an advantage.

Not so much who is right or wrong. Rather, more importantly, I believe, is what is more useful/beneficial/adaptive for us. We each have to decide this for ourselves.

I am going to stop here for now although there is still much I want to say - but because this has taken more than a week (from when I started this topic) to complete, I am just going to post this first.

Stay tuned for more to come.

Peace.

Trust your inner voice

 

"Strange is our situation here on Earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other, above all, for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we connect with a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of others, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received and am receiving." ~ Albert Einstein ~

 

When I started this blogging years ago, there was the option/invitation to allow Google Ads to be included. My thinking then: why not? I did consider that it may be annoying to the reader to have ads scattered around the page etc. But then again - the idea of writing was not so much to please (or annoy) another. It was for me - putting down to "paper" my thoughts. Hence, my journey. If it is read and is helpful for another, that's AWESOME. But the primary intention was never to impress or gain fans or anything.  This I've stated before.

 

After sometime, when out of curiosity I checked and found several dollars in my account, I thought "Wow. Isn't this great?" That kinda got excited for sometime seeing couple of cents trickle from time to time. But still that was not enough to motivate me to make this into a full time earning project. So I was never keen to read up on all the "how to increase your income using .."  I thought will just let it be and see where it goes.

Well, if you are reading this - you will probably notice there are no Ads.  I am not too sure cos I think I the page I see differs from others as I am the author. Anyway, I've been informed by the Great Google they cannot place ads on my blog because the content is "not relevant enough." HAHAHA. They are plenty relevant to me. :) 

Oh well. That’s ok I guess since as I had stated previously and repeatedly – even if the sharing is found to be irrelevant to another – that’s perfectly ok. It is for my own edification really.

And if Google deems it insignificant and thus pointless to place ads on my posting since – in their wisdom – no one will read it and therefore their ads will gain no traction, that’s okay too. No money dropping down on me from Google – I am sure there will be other source that will rain it down on me. As they say: when one door closes, another will open up.

The writing will continue regardless. I truly believe – again as touched on previously – we are all connected in one way or another. I also believe in synchronicities as opposed to coincidences. Nothing ever happens by chance.

It is so important what we say and do because even if we may never know it – what we say and do may have long lasting impact on another. How the messages are received can often go beyond our intention. They may be received in a positive or a negative manner. That choice on how it is received/perceived lies fully on the other person.

 I guess my message (to me today from the Great Unknown) is to keep doing what I am doing. There is purpose in it even if no one else believes in it. What we share may have a positive influence over another. Even if it is just one individual, that would be an AMAZING thing. So, listen to that voice within and be always guided by that.

 Namaste

COVID-19 - I AM GRATEFUL

Today is sort of a follow up from yesterday - although this has been on my mind for quite some time (as of late). I am sure the title may be baffling to many. It may sound like I am grateful for the pandemic that has swept the world. Sure sounds that way on the surface, right? But do read on if you are curious enough to want to know what I am feeling.

The whole world has been experiencing this global pandemic for more than a year now. Total infection globally has surpassed 120 million with over 2.6 million deaths from the disease (info derived from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/live-updates-coronavirus-covid-19#1).  Keep in mind the death rate refers only to the known recorded cases and does not take into account not only those not reported but also does not include suicides related to the disease (i.e., not necessarily because one was infected but also because of the financial hardship - among one of so many other possible problems - which resulted from the disease).

Indeed all across the globe millions of lives have been impacted in all shapes and forms.  So much suffering. So much pain. And despite vaccines now being rolled out by several companies in the world, and millions are beginning to receive (or have received) their vaccines, it doesn't mean that things will get better immediately. We may look at "better" as in: "Today may be better than yesterday." Sure, that may be true. But the damage inflicted on so many be they physical, medical, psychological, and/or financial will continue for a long time to come.

I would like to say that while I am certainly not spared from the impact of this global tragedy (and why would I not be, right?) - two and one half month into 2021 certainly felt so much worse than the entire 2020 to me. 

Perhaps this is due to the accumulated effect of experiencing this for more than a year. Surely after 1 year plus the impact would be felt much greater than at the start of the pandemic or even in the middle. It's sort of like stress. Comparing acute stress to chronic stress.  For some, an acute pain may seem worse than chronic pain as one builds up a "tolerance" for the pain. As one gets used to the pain, one may think the pain is no longer as painful as the beginning. Kinda like a numbing effect. On the other hand, chronic stress/pain (that is prolonged over a period of time) instead of feeling numbed or developing tolerance may feel worse because our ability to bear with it has been worn down.

Whatever the reason, all I can attest to is that it surely felt a lot worse (this last 2 months plus) compared to the whole of last year.

I so recall as well - being able to offer assistance to a handful of people last year at the start of the pandemic. Sending out financial aid including to some "strangers" (people I do not know nor have ever met). I also remember suggesting to many, including writing about and doing some online sharing with groups, the importance of staying positive. One often cited quote: "Find the silver lining in every dark cloud." Reminding people often to change the behaviour of daily highlighting the rate of infection and the death toll. In its place, I advocated looking for the blessing - big or small - every moment of every day to the best of our abilities. Not necessarily burying our heads in the sand, but consciously making an effort to focus more of our energy on the positives in every situation.

In retrospect, perhaps it was rather naïve of me to have thought that things would improve significantly in the new year. I was quite looking forward to the new year - expecting things to start picking up despite knowing at some level the effects of the challenging year that has just gone by would not disappear with the ringing in of the New Year.

Although we had just gone into the second MCO - or rather the so called renewed lockdown would continue, I was still hopeful things would improve. Even if not immediately, it would gradually be so. And perhaps it is "gradually" improving (depending on one's perspective), but when things did not seem to get any better (for me), I started panicking in a sense I suppose.

As they say, hindsight is always (or almost always) 20/20. Now looking back, I am cognizant of the fact that "chaos" will quickly fill your world if we allow ourselves to dwell in "fear." When we worry, and we allow that worrying to spiral - our views become clouded. More and more as we delve further and further, deeper and deeper into worrying about this and that.

For the first time since the pandemic hit, I started considering the loss of income. Developing further the idea that there will be a permanent freeze in the in flow of income. If not permanent, then a sustained or long delay of income. The worries soon grew bigger and bigger. While there is no concrete indication that the situation would be permanent or even extremely prolonged, that is how worrying works. The imagination can go to extremes, and often do, considering the possibilities that may never occur.

That didn't take long, and without any clear awareness - my body started sending me signals that I have or life has become misaligned. Physical illnesses or discomfort starting manifesting. Stilling the mind reverted to perhaps how it was in the past. While a part of me may have grown to the point that there is some inkling to stop, be still, and to listen internally - the outer voice of worrying about this and that drowned out the softer voice in my inner self. At least for sometime.

When I regained some sense of awareness - of realizing there was a misalignment - that I have to shift my focus back to looking for the positive .. this was not without effort. A concerted effort. Almost a retraining myself to meditate. To stop and to listen to the inner prompting that would ultimately show me the way. What I need to do. What I can do. What I will do.

Almost 3 months into the year, I am beginning to regain my footing. And so as I indicated earlier, it's not just a realization today. Nor is it just from my writing yesterday. It's been building for the past week. Maybe the past 2 weeks. A sense of knowing.  No matter what - I will be ok. No matter what, I AM okay. And beyond being ok - I AM WELL. And I AM GRATEFUL.

I look back over the entire 2020 - and I see all the many joyous moments the year was filled with. Despite the pandemic, there were still many moments of joy. In fact, more joy than sorrow. Moving into the new year - 2021 - the same is true. So much to be thankful for.

I am still able to move on. I still have shelter over my head. Never needing to go with an empty belly. There is always food to be eaten. More than to just eat, but joy in the eating. In other words, still eating things I like. What's so bad? What suffering at the present moment? Nothing compared to the multitude of others out there. Some with a home. Without family or friends. Without .. without .. without.

My focus turns toward not what I do not have, but rather all that I do have. No matter how I see it, it would make no sense whatsoever to bemoan my situation because there really is nothing to moan about. There is still abundance. A constant worry for what may or may not happen in the future does me no good. Does no one any good - most of the time. Instead, it is so important to truly focus on the NOW. For right NOW - there is nothing I need this very moment. I have all I need, and life is full.

And so looking back into the past year plus - I fully accept all that has been, and all that IS. To say Covid-19 - I am grateful is not to say I am thankful for Covid-19. It is saying, despite Covid-19 I am still blessed. And I am grateful. 

Accepting does not mean wishing for it. It simply means accepting - and not resisting. It is just as it is. It can be neither good nor bad. The evaluation of it - the placing a label to it as in whether it is good or bad is something we do have some measure of control over. Back to the earlier quote of there always being a silver lining in any dark cloud remains true.

Covid-19 is incidental. It's secondary. It does not control me or how I choose to appreciate life. I has reminded me even more so to realize no matter how bad a situation can appear, we still have a choice. A choice to respond in the manner most beneficial to us. I can look at all the things "taken away," all the things loss. Or I can see all the things I have; all the things to be thankful for.

My invitation to you: come join me in ACCEPTANCE of what is. Beyond the then, we can go on to deciding how we wish to proceed with our journey. Pause for a moment and look. Look for all that you do have; all that you can be thankful for. Examine that intellectually, sure. Once you have been able to identify those thoughts that are positive, move the thought into your heart .. into your being and FEEL it. Revel in it. And if you are having difficulty with this, reach out ... reach out to me if you want, and I will do what I can to offer help, a different perspective. Or reach out to anyone you are comfortable with. If you want, there are always those (angels) who are around us.

I wish you well.
Shalom

Are we truly grateful?

We've all encountered teachings that suggest things like we ought to begin each day with gratitude or that the more we are able to recognize the things we can be grateful for each day, the more we can recognize occasions to be grateful for. But when we do express "gratitude," are we truly grateful or or are we merely paying lips service? Intellectually grateful perhaps, but do we truly feel that sense of gratitude within us?

I have to admit, despite having "taught" the idea (or more specifically the need) to be grateful for all the blessings we have received in life - often times the act of being grateful has been more so an "act" than an actual experience. By this I do not mean it's all pretense or lying to oneself. Indeed it is a conscious choice to look for the "silver lining in dark clouds" and a choosing to look for these things/events to be grateful for. 

We may earnestly seek to be thankful for them, but the greater test is whether we really feel it in our hearts (as opposed to just intellectually knowing we should be thankful for but not necessarily feeling it.) For example, many of us are able to say "I am thankful I am alive," or "I am thankful for my family, my friends, etc." but the question remains - are we feeling that sense of thankfulness or are we saying it because well everyone knows these are things we should be thankful for.

The power of gratitude and the promised changes it brings to our lives, I believe, reside in whether we feel that gratitude or not. The key or the secret, I believe is to Feel the Thinking.

Why not give this a shot today. Right NOW - examine to see if you are thinking the feeling or if you are feeling the thinking? What are you truly grateful for? Can you identify things/events/people/situations to be thankful for? To be truly thankful for?

List down of these that you can think of. You need not list down a whole long list. Just come up with a few. Then pause to ponder on each of them. Feel them. What makes them blessings? How does it feel without them? And how does it feel with them? Are you able to truly feel that sense of gratitude? 

If you don't succeed the first time around, take a break. Come back to it a little later. Give it another shot. Visualize how it feels to be thankful for it/them. See how this makes a difference. I bet it will make a difference!

Shalom

Me Time - it's so very important.

 

This week I dealt with a “me” time issue with a handful of individuals (in separate settings). So perhaps it means this is a significant issue not just for them but possibly for myself.

So many of us may have developed the belief that to take me time is an indication of selfishness. We must have all the time in the world to take care of the needs of others but not so for ourselves. As we have dealt with underlying messages we all pick up as we grow and learn – perhaps this is one of the many underlying messages buried deep within our own being.

Some have to unconsciously keep themselves from getting sick only until public holidays or vacation time. And then we wonder “why is it I always fall sick when I am on vacation or only during off days from work.” It’s as if “I do not deserve time to have a break – so I work and work until I have time off – then I fall sick.”

Me time doesn’t just mean the time for recharging my “batteries” at the end of the day (as some introverts have been taught to accept). While that alone time after work to recharge is healthy, what is being referred to here as “me” is more than just that brief alone time. When I say “me” time – I am thinking more of a time given to yourself – once a day, once a week, or maybe just once a month. Time to do what YOU want to do. Time to just be “YOU.” Doing some thing you enjoy – badminton, gardening, cooking, reading a book – whatever is meaningful and pleasurable for you. It doesn’t have to be an “alone” time – as some extroverts may think it is. It could be meeting up with an old friend, a sibling, meeting others you enjoy being with, attending a group meeting (like a book reading club). Just something for yourself.

If you are willing to give time of yourself to another, why not to yourself? Are you not just as important – if not more so? Think about it.

Today – ask yourself, what have I done for “me” lately? Let’s all take a moment NOW to take care of ourselves.

Namaste – Shalom

 

Therapeutic Journaling - for wellness and personal development

First of all, let me state that the purpose of my blogging - in short - is to share. Share my life's experiences and lessons learned along the way.

After yesterday's entry - I have been thinking (albeit not always consciously) the reason why I am doing this journaling (blogging). There were two things I alluded to yesterday: (1) To minimize over-thinking the purpose and the process AND Just Do It, and (2) To do it (write) because you want to as opposed to you must or need to.

Despite stating that one should not overly ponder the why one does it, there is of course always a reason for why we do what we do. Sure some actions and behaviors may become automated or habitual, but there would have been a reason and/or a purpose that first started that action. Sometimes it is by "accident" or chance that some behaviors get picked up. There are other times when we consciously make a concerted effort to form a behavior or a habit.

So, although I did advocate not spending too much time on analyzing and/or over analyzing the why, it is not necessarily wrong to consider the "why." The key, I suppose, is to not get stuck there whereby action to move forward is prevented.

As such, without conscious effort - in the back of my mind - the question of what makes me want to continue this writing/blogging continued throughout the day. This morning, I woke with some ideas as to why this may be important to me. (It never ceases to amaze me how our subconscious mind will often, if not always, answer questions we hold in our mind; questions that are relevant to our growth and development at any point in time).

As stated at the start of today's entry, the main - though not the only reason - why I want to do this is to share. If I am not mistaken, if we go back to my very first entry when I started this so many years ago - in most likelihood I would have already proclaimed that.

I understand that my experiences may not be identical to those of any other. While they may not be identical, they may have similarities and can resonate with some other people. Sharing my experiences and the lessons I draw from them may be of use for another soul seeking to better understand their journey. I hesitate to imagine this will give inspiration to another, but I certainly hope it would help another consider that the perspectives I formed and the lessons I have gathered would be relevant to them and give them some measure of comfort. At the least, if that is not afforded - perhaps it would give them food for thought to then form their own perspectives, their own beliefs and thereby shape their values in life (even if these beliefs and values differ from mine).

Ultimately, however, the act of doing this is not necessarily something noble or done altruistically. And I ask that, you the reader bear that in mind. My writing, while I've indicated is for the purpose of sharing - at the end of the day, if I am to be truthful (to my beliefs) - it serves my own selfish purpose which is to grow (myself).

Hence, this where I have indicated there is a need (for me) to put aside the ego's desire to seek recognition, praise and exultation from others. Whether others agree or disagree - is besides the point. That cannot be the focus of my writing. In many ways, the writing serves primarily as a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings. To clarify the "mess" that is bouncing around in my head. To clear my mind so that I have better clarity in my perception of my life and my world.

I titled today's entry as "Therapeutic Journaling - for wellness and personal development" because that is what it is FOR ME. I have thought others about the therapeutic process of journaling. One of the function of that therapeutic journaling as as I have laid out above - i.e., to lay bare our thoughts, to put it down on "paper," so that they are "materialized" (as in they becomes something more solid) and that can be weighed and examined by me and by others as well. It serves to bring clarity.

Another function of the writing is to have a record of our "growth" or journey. A historical account of how we got to where we are. To make sense of why we hold on to some, if not all, of our beliefs and our values.

This can be very therapeutic in many situations when at any given time we can look back at our past to see just how far we have come; how much we have grown and improved. This is perhaps one of the key functions in therapeutic journaling (as I see it).

These are some of the reasons why I am choosing to do what I do here. It's first and foremost, for me. And when I do this, it is also my hope that what is shared may also be useful to others. That the writing, the thoughts, and the emotions experienced may resonate with another. And one more thing to add - and that is that even in that impacting of others, I do believe is also an impacting of myself because ultimately I firmly believe we are all CONNECTED; we are all ONE.

So - this is my story. It's about my journey - of becoming. It is my intention that as I write these thoughts, emotions, and experiences down - I will see more clearly their meanings (to me), and that clarity will afford me greater peace and fulfilment. In addition, it is also my hope that many of the points raised herein will resonate with you and also afford you your own peace and contentment. And if they do not, that these ideas will challenge you to seek your own where you will find your own fulfilment.

Namaste

Continuing the journey

 My second day - after returning to this "journey." Of course, it's only day 2 - so shouldn't be difficult, right? But let me be very honest: it takes effort.

This is what my mind feels like.

This is my 3rd sitting this morning before I started writing (typing). Each time I sat myself down to do it, my mind goes into a "what should I write?" And the multitude of thoughts that come after that - from: "just write something, anything" to "this needs to be a follow up from yesterday where you talked about the on-and-off, stop-and-go etc." Then there's the part that asks "what is so hard about writing," "why do you want to write? What's your motivation? And to these and so many more questions, there would be a reply.

What's so hard about writing?
One answer is: I bet the reason why it's difficult is because you think you have to write something You don't. If you tell yourself you have to, then you will find it a task you have to overcome. It's not you have to or you should. Rather the "key" is in the feeling/idea that you want to.

Why do you want to write?
Cos it is good for me. Really? Is that it? The truth? And why is it good? Or do you want to write only so that you can publish it? In hopes that people will read and like and respond - like so many people do on FB and other social media platform? Come on. Be honest with yourself. Why? (You can imagine - this exploration alone can go on for hours with internal debating endlessly.) With the "final" conclusion being, if you truly believe it is good for you without even know why it is good - then just write. Care less what anyone would think or say. Whether others will read or not or respond. Just write. Just be. Be free - here and NOW - be who you are. Think this process is just for you and you alone. Do it because you want to.

What's your motivation?
Like the one above - is there a motivation? A reason? Need there be one? If you simply feel a desire to write, then there should be no need to even figure out what the "motivation" is. The motivation is because I desire to write. Knowing you have the desire is perhaps enough. And as Deepak Chopra once said to Oprah, "inherent in having the desire, is the mechanics of having its fulfilment." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAbQUO9x_8g)

So who cares? Don't think. Be free. Let go and Just Do it.

And so it is - here I am tying away whatever comes to mind. Perhaps the benefit is in the transfering of the debate in my head - the multitude of voices and opinions that continue to challenge and clarify with each other (the many parts of the Self) - externalizing it, putting it down on "paper," may help (1) bring peace to the Mind (by removing all or most of that noise that becomes deafening) and (2) bring greater clarity to what I seek in life.

So, I'll let this flow and see where it leads me. Today's lesson - to go with the flow. Do what you want. Reduce the thinking/analysing and just be. Write spontaneously with little to no need to figure out what is should be the topic or subject matter or content.

My head feels a little lighter now. Thank You.

Shalom