Expectation

We have often heard people say that expectation is what leads to our greatest disappointments. This is one of the many paradoxes I find in life.  Is it really true that “expectation” is the root cause of disappointment? This is, to me, exactly like the notion that “money is the root of all evil.” I guess, to some extend each is true. However, I say they are paradoxes because money and expectations are parts of the “realities” in life. Are they not? For those who say money is the root of all evil, can you do away with it completely? In fact, as some have pointed out to me - to an extent money can help with that elusive "happiness," right? For example, there are so many I wish to help - and while I always think giving money is not the long term solution, but in many cases it is certainly needed to do a lot of the immediate. Perhaps if you truly go off-grid and leave in the wilderness by yourself and isolate yourself completely from society, you might be able to do without money. But I don’t think that is the ideal, right? 

Similarly with expectations, can we be devoid of expectations? It is almost like saying be completely "objective." As humans, is that even possible? Even with the idea of Law of Attraction or the positive thinkers movement, surely there is a need to see what you want, desire it, and expect it to become reality that finally brings that into fruition, right? See it, think it, believe it – and it will happen.  The whole notion of we become what we think (and expect) holds true for many people. So – paradox it is for me.

Some time last month, I wrote about Friendship. And the first photo I attached to that entry is the same one now to your right. Briefly what was going through my mind then was the disappointment in the realization of some who called themselves my friends – turned out, I thought, to be such a disappointment when I needed their help. All those words like “I care a lot for you,” “You are a very important person in my life,” “you have been very significant and have done so much for me,” or “In every major turn in my life beginning from young adulthoold – it would seem you have been there,” and the multitude of other nice sounding phrases seemed so empty - so hollow - when it came to a time when their help was really needed. It was not an “implied” help or a situation where “anyone could guess” I need help type scenarios.  Even when it came right down to a direct request for their assistance – to do things I believe well within their ability to help – the help was less than forthcoming.  Hence the major disappointment – and the realization like that which is captured in that photo above rang so much truth. 

There is truth to those sayings, I suppose (including the one in the photo now to the left).  But I suppose – for me, if I claim to be on an ever journey of growth and discovery .. one that leads me to better understanding myself and others as well .. I must be willing to view my own thoughts and actions with an open mind.  It is not enough to say "I am not always right" or that "I do not have all the answers" if we are unwilling to examine if our actions were - well, not so much right or wrong but rather useful or not; adaptive or maladaptive; beneficial or damaging. I have always known that it is important to learn to NOT JUDGE and also to FORGIVE.  There are of course many such “lessons,” "virtues," "beliefs," or whatever you might call them besides these two that perhaps will be mastered and fully integrated one day – but for now, even if I have not reached full “enlightenment,” there is a need, I believe, to start adopting and practising some of these.

And so over a month since that incident, I would like to say I have forgiven (or at the least in the process of doing so) that friend.  While we will likely never get back to the point where we were before, I want to be able to move on with no regret and no resentment. One of the reasons for coming to this point of realization and action is connected with this notion of expectation.  That’s what I want to touch on today.

I realize that the disappointment has much to do with expectations.  I have been able to come to the recognition that – in considering the incident (actually more than one incident), observing my inner thoughts and dialogue – one phrase that I caught in myself was “If I am the one who said ‘you are so important, you’ve done so much for me’ etc etc – then surely if I were you I would have done more than what you did.” There in lies the problem. I think. The fact of the matter is that person is NOT me; and I am NOT that person.  Our values, our priorities are different – all of us.  And these values and priorities impact how we behave. And just because I would have behaved in a certain way given the same situation, doesn’t mean everyone else must behave in the same manner.  And if they do not do so, it does not mean their values are any less than mine or my priorities (how I set my priorities) are better. In that same vain, their action does not prove that the words they had uttered before are hollow or insincere. How we interpret those words to mean – or more specifically how we expect those words to play out in action may be the key. That “expectation” is what leads to pain and disappointment.

And so the lesson is – not even the need to “forgive” really.  It is more the need to NOT JUDGE. Like with many people, the FB has become a source of “wisdom” for me. Ok ok I know some of you are saying that FB is filled with “rubbish.” But I think – how we use it is entirely up to us. It is a matter of choice, a matter of perspective, a matter of attitude. But that’s for another day’s discussion as well.  So anyway, two things happened these past few days on FB that helped me write this today.  One was the photo to your right here. The other was from someone who asked me “Should I forgive her for what she has done to me?” Without going into the what she did to him part (cos that too is good for another entry), my response is – it is always good to forgive. Not always is that forgiving for the sake of the other. But it is necessary for our own well-being.

In reference to the photo on the right (now above), my response to that on FB was that - I agree (with what was written there). But added to that, I wrote - the key is when you do for others do not do with the expectation that they will return your "kindness" with the same kind of "kindness."  They may express in ways very different from you (or me).  Just as when we feel pain and have the internal dialogue as I had above, theirs could be - if YOU really cared for me, you would understand where I am coming from or you wouldn't be acting this way.  We are just different in how we express ourselves and how we interpret the world I suppose.

So, today – my thoughts are on, I am sorry that the experiences of late has led a once good friendship to where it is today.  Sorry in that – I am saddened by the outcome. But I accept that there, perhaps is no “good” or “bad” to anything. That things happen for reasons that fit a bigger picture. Always. Even if we may not be able to see their significance.  So I accept and move on without looking back with regret.  And in time, I am sure – the pain will dissipate for even now they are dissipating. I forgive myself and others for our choice of actions and for our behaviours – as I understand we all do what we feel in our heart is correct. I shall not judge the actions of those whom in the past I would have considered as having betrayed me. And I respect the choices they made – most likely the best choices they felt they were able to make. I let go of the expectations that others must behave in the same manner I do or would.

I am sorry; I forgive; I will not judge; and I let go of that aspect of expectation.

In the previous blog entry, I also posted the following which is from Mother Theresa.  I share that here again because I think it is such an absolutely beautiful saying.

Namaste,
Syl

Hypnotherapy - Treating Migraine

Many people still believe that "Psychosomatic" is a dirty word. They immediately think that it means one is pretending. Psychosomatic illness really means that the illness finds its roots in the mind (psychological) as opposed to being organic. Psychosomatic comes from two root words - psycho (psyche) meaning the mind, and soma meaning the body. So, psychosomatic symptom does not mean it is not "real." It just means the physical symptoms you are seeing and feeling are caused by psychological or emotional stress and anxiety. The saying "We are what we think" is a clear example of  psychosomatic in action.  A better or more accepted term is the "Mind-Body" Connection.

Recently I came across someone I know who was explaining to others about having severe migraine headache. He was requesting input from others as to whether they know of ways of healing that ailment. If any of you have experienced migraine headache, you can empathise just how painful and debilitating this can be. Generally four categories of solutions were raised. The first - the use of pharmaceuticals. The second, to have proper scanning (medical check up) to rule out any organic problem. The third was the suggestions to explore "natural cure" (in this case the use of herbs and other fruits and plants). And finally the fourth was in regards to a psychological cause.  You will not be surprised to know that the first two were readily accepted. The third was "okay" as well - although with a little more hesitation. The fourth was, for me the most interesting. It drew an immediate defensive response as in "Are you saying I am crazy?" That was quickly followed with a "Ok. I will stop you right there. Thank you."

A very "normal" response. I have seen many people many times respond in the same manner. Sadly though, while it is a normal response - in my opinion, not all together healthy or wise unfortunately. But can't really blame them. It comes from years of socialized values. A faulty belief system.

Pharmaceuticals - I have never been a fan of this, although I do admit they are oftentimes what seems the fastest way to relieve any bodily discomfort or pain. It's the "magic bullet" syndrome. Pop a pill, and all is well. But is it really? Not even considering the cost of pills these days - keep in mind we are putting into our body some chemical manufactured in a lab to ease our discomfort. Almost all medication has some side effect. Sometimes the side effects can be worse than the original problem. This is especially so with long term use.

The medical check-up is certainly a good idea. Check to see if there is a medical condition present. It may well save your life if for example you find some unusual growth that may turn out to be, God forbid, cancerous. Or perhaps, you may find that there is indication of hypertension. This is, of course, very treatable.

Third is perhaps a much healthier approach to healing. Unfortunately in our fast paced world, many complain it doesn't alleviate the pain quite so immediately as do pills - although this is not always the case. This third category can also include many traditional way of healing.  These are now often termed CAM (Complementary and Alternative Medication) in the medical world. And they are gaining popularity (or regaining I should say) because of their efficacy.

The final approach in regards to something psychological is the least understood and least accepted. That's just too bad because even medical doctors have conceded that many disorders find their roots in one's psychology. Even if it is not the root cause, how we think can exacerbate a physical or medical condition. Take depression as an example.  While the treatment of choice is to use medication (or drugs) to help the individual, that alone rarely if ever solves the problem. That's because we are usually just treating the symptom and not the cause of the illness. Psychotherapy should be included in the treatment prescribed. 

Psychotherapy or counselling or, in today's world where there is a need to use euphemism, consultation is perhaps a much more benign term to use - can be effectively used to help the person in achieving well-being. Both psychological (emotional) and physical. One of the fastest (and effective) way to help deal with this is through the use of hypnosis (in this case - hypnotherapy).  

Hypnotherapy can be a most effective way of helping one deal with stress, depression, and anxiety.  Those may be the very root causes for one's migraine headaches. This treatment modality (or more accurately treatment approach or technique) believes in healing by altering our mindset or thinking. If it is a problem that finds its roots in the psyche (the mind), what better way to overcome it by taking a look at one's mind.  And this in no way suggests that one is "crazy." It simply says, the mind is a very powerful part of our entire being. This mind (and how we use it) can make us "sick" or make us "healthy." We have the choice, and more importantly we all have that power to heal ourselves (with our mind).

If you want to heal - keep an open mind. 

Peace,

Syl

www.now4life.com

Today - is the day - I DIED!

Today, I Died.

This is going to be a very odd journal entry. If you think some of what was written before was a bit “out there,” then this may help you reach the final conclusion I have really lost it or … in fact, I am dead.  Yes, you heard me right.  Or “read” me right anyway J  Certainly this date has to be a date to remember.

Let me start with what I’ve been doing for the past few days.  This is the last week of semester break, and I had been looking forward to these dates (the last 5 days of the break) for quite a while.  It was recommended to me, ever since I came to NZ last year, to visit this beautiful place near Hawke’s Bay to just chill out and relax. It’s a monastery called Kopua Monastery (Southern Star Abbey).  Since I used to take a “personal (silent) retreat” like on a yearly basis – at least try to as best I can – I decided, why not? Thought of doing it during the Easter Break – not only because it would be perfect to time it over Easter, but also because that was the start of the semester break.  But, not surprisingly – the place was fully booked during that time.  As I worked with the person in charge for reservation over there, it was looking like a weekend further and further into April/May. Which also means – after the semester had resumed. Finally, it dawned on me – I don’t need to make it on a weekend (believing that most people would go during the weekend because of work commitment).  Since I am still a “loafer” at the moment and unemployed, I suggested perhaps she could also look at weekdays. That brought me to this past week. Initially it was to start of Tuesday to go all the way into the weekend.  But I got my dates confused and remembered, incorrectly, I had to attend a Board Meeting on Tuesday evening (turns out it is the second Tuesday of each month and not the first). So, I had made reservation to be at the Monastery from Wednesday morning instead.

While informing the friend who had recommended me to this place about my intended trip, she invited me to her Monastery further north as well. There will be a ceremony on her profession as a Benedictine Oblate of the Monastery (in Ngakuru) that weekend.  I am not sure what that entails, but sounded like a big thing to me, so I thought – when will I ever get to experience something like this again in this lifetime? Would be a good thing to attend and lend support as well.  So, I told her I would be happy to attend, and I promptly changed my stay at Kopua to Wednesday until Friday, and then will continue to stay in Ngakuru Monastery from Friday to Sunday.

As always, when things unexpectedly crop up – I looked at it and wonder, everything must be working out as they should. The Universe (God) knows what He/She is doing.  And it turned out to be a good thing (as expected) in comparison with my earlier plan of going during the Easter weekend. Why do I say that? Well, for one thing – this new plan made it so that I would need to finish up my assignments before going on the retreat.  Work before pleasure, you know? If the work came after the retreat, my mind may have been too concerned with incomplete tasks to truly be relaxed and open to my communion with God.  In addition, upon returning after the retreat – knowing me, I would be putting off to the last minute before deadline to do the assignments – and that would have been unnecessary stress.

So everything was set. I was all eager to go Tuesday night. Since there wasn’t a meeting for that night, I took it easy – when home and took my time packing to go for the trip.  All was well – with leaving on Wednesday and staying the 2 nights. In fact, if not for the trip to Ngakuru, I would have liked to stay on to the weekend.  Kopua Monastery is really quite beautiful – and relaxing. It’s nature all around you. Hospitality was great. A truly good place to just kick back, chill out – and listen in silence (something most of us never take time to do).

I won’t go into the details of the retreat (for now) as I am trying to get to the point where I died.  I think you want to know that too, right? Hopefully no one has any goose bumps yet up to this point – thinking you are getting a message from the “other side.” Well, you may – I don’t know yet.  Anyway, … everything was great up until last night.  As I planned to make a departure the next day, some of those at this Monastery even suggested to me where to stop enroute Ngakuru to pick up some fruits for the nuns there (as they had requested). I told them I plan to leave in the morning immediately after the 8 AM mass. That would give me ample time to take a slow drive to Ngakuru – to enjoy the scenary – and even to get a bit lost looking for the fruit sellers. It will be good any how. (Oh by the way, by the above you would have figured out this is not quite the usual kind of “silent retreat” I was considering – but it’s still ok being my first time here – I wanted to get a feel of the place first before doing a real “silent retreat” which includes no conversation with anyone there.

Anyway, I was up around 4:45 AM – decided to make my breakfast and then considered if I wanted to join them for their earlier prayers instead of waiting till 8 AM. Eventually I decided against that and chose to spend my own quiet time with the Divine.  After breakfast and packing up most of my stuff, I lit my candle and sat down for my meditation. And here is where it begins.

I can’t tell you the time, cos time usually seems suspended during meditation – until after it is over and if you check to see how long you’ve been in it.  I was just going thru my usual routine – just being in stillness, continuously bringing myself back to the moment – the present – the NOW. It seems after a while, I felt this prompting coming from deep within saying to me “you need to turn back.”  I was like “what? What do you mean?” The response – tho firm, was not impatient of annoyed with my seemingly blurriness. It just repeated, “you need to turn around and go back. Go back to Palmy now.” And I thought to myself – wait a minute. This is not right. Why would I turn back. I am all ready to go on to Ngakuru. I can’t not go. I don’t want to disappoint the nuns there.  I had just sent a short message to my sister the night before informing her I was going to go to Ngakuru (her friend is the one who recommended me to Kopua and is the same person who will be made an Oblate tomorrow in Ngakuru).  We were both excited about the prospect of me going there.  I told others at this Monastery I will be going there tomorrow. Everything is set. I can’t not go.  And as I contemplated these and argued in my head, my neck and shoulder muscles began to hurt. I tried bringing myself back to the present and letting go of those “negative” thoughts as well as “unknotting” my muscles, but it got increasingly uncomfortable. So I decided to get off the floor and stop the meditation.  I went back to the bed and decided to lie down for a while, I guess it must have been quite sometime already cos as I recall now – the time as approximately 6.25 am. I told myself I’d just lie down for an hour and get back up around 7:30 am to ready myself for mass. 

But even lying down – those thoughts returned with “get up and go now. You need not wait till 8 AM.” And I answered – but I want to attend the mass. I will leave after that as planned. The voice was gentle yet insisting, “go now. Get up and leave. Turn around and head back to Palmerston North.”  I was truly like “what? What’s going on? What is so important that I need to go back to Palmy now? And as I entertained these thoughts – all sorts of crazy ideas started flying in my head. Perhaps there will be an accident enroute to Hastings or Rotorua or who knows where? Maybe I need to heed this warning and return. But then what if by turning back there is a landslide enroute to Palmy? What if the accident is on the way back instead? Why would this inner voice be asking me to turn? What is the reason? How do I tell the nuns I won’t be going? Will they be disappointed? I can’t bring them the fruits they wanted? Wouldn’t they have been looking forward to that?

I couldn’t go back to sleep – no nap possible. As I contemplated these – my back started aching again .. from my neck to my shoulders to my back now .. even though I was lying down. So I decided to get up – and return to meditating. Maybe I can bring myself back to a state of “calm” and “present” – and I would know exactly what I needed to do. As I was preparing to do that, I don’t quite know what took possession of me, but I picked up my phone – turned on the mobile data (my phone is turned off 99% of the time while I am at the retreat) and sent a message apologizing to my friend to let her know I am not going to make it to Ngakuru but will be turning back instead. I thought she would get it later as I was led to believe she would not herself be at the monastery until later in the evening.  I went back to my meditation – and everything started to ease up .. the discomfort in my  back both gradual and yet “quick” – diminished. I was fully back into the present and felt fully at rest and relaxed. After a bit – again I don’t know exactly how long it was, I got up to get the rest of my things and head out. I went out to the office, but there was no one around.  I wrote a short message in the visitor’s log to thank them for a great time and then walked outside to leave. I glanced at my watch – 7:30 AM.  Guess they were getting ready or making preparation for their mass. One last time I considered, shall I just stay for mass? It’s only 30 minutes away. And the inner voice returned, “go now.” I got into my car and as I backed out, I noticed one of the Companions, Daniel, walking back towards the office. I stopped and thanked him and to let him know I was leaving. I turned on my phone, and there was a message from my friend in Ngakuru. Her message – short and simple: “Ok. No problem. Have a safe drive. Take care.”

At the start of the journey

And off I went after that. A bit of sadness as I departed the place. A bit of sadness that I would not be headed to Ngakuru – but overall a gentle calmness as if this was the “right” thing to do.  And so my journey “home” had begun. As I hit the road, I noticed in a distance a beautiful rainbow. It was like it was beckoning to me. Felt really peaceful. The road was clear – barely any cars on the road. All the way the rainbow as just ahead of me – sometimes very clear and sometimes seeming to fade a bit ..

Again, I am uncertain of the time – but I guess it was mid-point in the journey (total journey is only about an hour) – as I was going through a windy (not wind prone section but one that was curvy along the mountain side I guess), at one point – this is where it happened. The road was wet – and probably a bit slippery. A light drizzle had started – and as a truck approached me from the other side, I remembered something a friend of mine said to me when he visited me last Christmas. He and his wife made the comment that the trucks in NZ were like transformers (not like the trucks – or what we call lorries – in Malaysia).  As I remembered that, another thought popped into my head and said – becareful, the road is curvy, narrow and slippery – slight departure on your part of that of the truck and it’s over. And just as that thought came into my mind – it was OVER! I saw my car headed directly head on towards the truck. It was light slow motion – like you would see in the movies .. Matrix maybe. There is another show I can’t quite recall the name now – but where some youngsters had some psychic ability and could phase their car in and out of “solid form” and .. oh anyway … it was just like that. I saw everything breaking into bits and flying all over ….

All the way to the end - final one
was full from one end to the other.

It was also at that very same time – I was phasing out of physicalness – passing through the truck. And as I passed through – I looked up in the rear view mirror and I could still see the parts – bits of everything exploding into the air flying in all directions .. but I was still driving on .. Wait a minute. How can this be?? Am I there 

or am I here? Am I dead? Or am I alive? What’s happening? The weirdest feeling ever.  But I didn’t stop – and I didn’t step on the break, I just drove on as if nothing had happened. It occurred to me then ….  I have died many times over.

The realization at that moment was – ahhh, they are right … there are multiple realities. Every juncture where you could have done this or done that – they were all real. With each possibility going in its own direction. One part of you is back there. Game over. That reality is there – your friends and family from that reality will be informed of the accident later in the day. But this reality – this me writing here, is another reality.  I THINK? I am here now – or will you be hearing about an accident later today? Of something that happened this morning? But then – where does this blog entry come from? From the other side? Or perhaps you will not get this? In the other reality – most likely not.  And what does this have to do with turning back to Palmy instead of going on to Ngakuru? The same experience could have happened on the road there, right? The only difference is that had I gone on, I would certainly not be writing in the blog cos I would not be accessing my blog there until I returned to Palmy.  I don’t know what it all means. I just don’t know .. what is real now. Am I real? Are you? I think it tells me tho – that I am dead and yet I am alive. I have died many times, and still I live. Life is eternal. It is never ending.  To end this very long chapter (4 pages long with – WOW), let me end with a passage I read while at Kopua.

If some fool tells you that the soul perishes like the body and that which dies never returns, tell him the flower perishes but the seed remains and lies before us as the secret of life everlasting. (The Awakened Soul – Kahlil Gibran)

 

Peace to US all,Syl