29 April 2016

Expectation

We have often heard people say that expectation is what leads to our greatest disappointments. This is one of the many paradoxes I find in life.  Is it really true that “expectation” is the root cause of disappointment? This is, to me, exactly like the notion that “money is the root of all evil.” I guess, to some extend each is true. However, I say they are paradoxes because money and expectations are parts of the “realities” in life. Are they not? For those who say money is the root of all evil, can you do away with it completely? In fact, as some have pointed out to me - to an extent money can help with that elusive "happiness," right? For example, there are so many I wish to help - and while I always think giving money is not the long term solution, but in many cases it is certainly needed to do a lot of the immediate. Perhaps if you truly go off-grid and leave in the wilderness by yourself and isolate yourself completely from society, you might be able to do without money. But I don’t think that is the ideal, right? 

Similarly with expectations, can we be devoid of expectations? It is almost like saying be completely "objective." As humans, is that even possible? Even with the idea of Law of Attraction or the positive thinkers movement, surely there is a need to see what you want, desire it, and expect it to become reality that finally brings that into fruition, right? See it, think it, believe it – and it will happen.  The whole notion of we become what we think (and expect) holds true for many people. So – paradox it is for me.

Some time last month, I wrote about Friendship. And the first photo I attached to that entry is the same one now to your right. Briefly what was going through my mind then was the disappointment in the realization of some who called themselves my friends – turned out, I thought, to be such a disappointment when I needed their help. All those words like “I care a lot for you,” “You are a very important person in my life,” “you have been very significant and have done so much for me,” or “In every major turn in my life beginning from young adulthoold – it would seem you have been there,” and the multitude of other nice sounding phrases seemed so empty - so hollow - when it came to a time when their help was really needed. It was not an “implied” help or a situation where “anyone could guess” I need help type scenarios.  Even when it came right down to a direct request for their assistance – to do things I believe well within their ability to help – the help was less than forthcoming.  Hence the major disappointment – and the realization like that which is captured in that photo above rang so much truth. 

There is truth to those sayings, I suppose (including the one in the photo now to the left).  But I suppose – for me, if I claim to be on an ever journey of growth and discovery .. one that leads me to better understanding myself and others as well .. I must be willing to view my own thoughts and actions with an open mind.  It is not enough to say "I am not always right" or that "I do not have all the answers" if we are unwilling to examine if our actions were - well, not so much right or wrong but rather useful or not; adaptive or maladaptive; beneficial or damaging. I have always known that it is important to learn to NOT JUDGE and also to FORGIVE.  There are of course many such “lessons,” "virtues," "beliefs," or whatever you might call them besides these two that perhaps will be mastered and fully integrated one day – but for now, even if I have not reached full “enlightenment,” there is a need, I believe, to start adopting and practising some of these.

And so over a month since that incident, I would like to say I have forgiven (or at the least in the process of doing so) that friend.  While we will likely never get back to the point where we were before, I want to be able to move on with no regret and no resentment. One of the reasons for coming to this point of realization and action is connected with this notion of expectation.  That’s what I want to touch on today.

I realize that the disappointment has much to do with expectations.  I have been able to come to the recognition that – in considering the incident (actually more than one incident), observing my inner thoughts and dialogue – one phrase that I caught in myself was “If I am the one who said ‘you are so important, you’ve done so much for me’ etc etc – then surely if I were you I would have done more than what you did.” There in lies the problem. I think. The fact of the matter is that person is NOT me; and I am NOT that person.  Our values, our priorities are different – all of us.  And these values and priorities impact how we behave. And just because I would have behaved in a certain way given the same situation, doesn’t mean everyone else must behave in the same manner.  And if they do not do so, it does not mean their values are any less than mine or my priorities (how I set my priorities) are better. In that same vain, their action does not prove that the words they had uttered before are hollow or insincere. How we interpret those words to mean – or more specifically how we expect those words to play out in action may be the key. That “expectation” is what leads to pain and disappointment.


And so the lesson is – not even the need to “forgive” really.  It is more the need to NOT JUDGE. Like with many people, the FB has become a source of “wisdom” for me. Ok ok I know some of you are saying that FB is filled with “rubbish.” But I think – how we use it is entirely up to us. It is a matter of choice, a matter of perspective, a matter of attitude. But that’s for another day’s discussion as well.  So anyway, two things happened these past few days on FB that helped me write this today.  One was the photo to your right here. The other was from someone who asked me “Should I forgive her for what she has done to me?” Without going into the what she did to him part (cos that too is good for another entry), my response is – it is always good to forgive. Not always is that forgiving for the sake of the other. But it is necessary for our own well-being.

In reference to the photo on the right (now above), my response to that on FB was that - I agree (with what was written there). But added to that, I wrote - the key is when you do for others do not do with the expectation that they will return your "kindness" with the same kind of "kindness."  They may express in ways very different from you (or me).  Just as when we feel pain and have the internal dialogue as I had above, theirs could be - if YOU really cared for me, you would understand where I am coming from or you wouldn't be acting this way.  We are just different in how we express ourselves and how we interpret the world I suppose.

So, today – my thoughts are on, I am sorry that the experiences of late has led a once good friendship to where it is today.  Sorry in that – I am saddened by the outcome. But I accept that there, perhaps is no “good” or “bad” to anything. That things happen for reasons that fit a bigger picture. Always. Even if we may not be able to see their significance.  So I accept and move on without looking back with regret.  And in time, I am sure – the pain will dissipate for even now they are dissipating. I forgive myself and others for our choice of actions and for our behaviours – as I understand we all do what we feel in our heart is correct. I shall not judge the actions of those whom in the past I would have considered as having betrayed me. And I respect the choices they made – most likely the best choices they felt they were able to make. I let go of the expectations that others must behave in the same manner I do or would.

I am sorry; I forgive; I will not judge; and I let go of that aspect of expectation.

In the previous blog entry, I also posted the following which is from Mother Theresa.  I share that here again because I think it is such an absolutely beautiful saying.



Namaste,
Syl

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