Today, I Died.
This is going to be a very odd journal entry. If you think some of what was written before was a bit “out there,” then this may help you reach the final conclusion I have really lost it or … in fact, I am dead. Yes, you heard me right. Or “read” me right anyway J Certainly this date has to be a date to remember.
Let me start with what I’ve been
doing for the past few days. This is the
last week of semester break, and I had been looking forward to these dates (the
last 5 days of the break) for quite a while.
It was recommended to me, ever since I came to NZ last year, to visit
this beautiful place near Hawke’s Bay to just chill out and relax. It’s a
monastery called Kopua Monastery (Southern Star Abbey). Since I used to take a “personal (silent) retreat”
like on a yearly basis – at least try to as best I can – I decided, why not?
Thought of doing it during the Easter Break – not only because it would be
perfect to time it over Easter, but also because that was the start of the
semester break. But, not surprisingly –
the place was fully booked during that time.
As I worked with the person in charge for reservation over there, it was
looking like a weekend further and further into April/May. Which also means –
after the semester had resumed. Finally, it dawned on me – I don’t need to make
it on a weekend (believing that most people would go during the weekend because
of work commitment). Since I am still a “loafer”
at the moment and unemployed, I suggested perhaps she could also look at
weekdays. That brought me to this past week. Initially it was to start of
Tuesday to go all the way into the weekend.
But I got my dates confused and remembered, incorrectly, I had to attend
a Board Meeting on Tuesday evening (turns out it is the second Tuesday of each
month and not the first). So, I had made reservation to be at the Monastery
from Wednesday morning instead.
While informing the friend who
had recommended me to this place about my intended trip, she invited me to her
Monastery further north as well. There will be a ceremony on her profession as
a Benedictine Oblate of the Monastery (in Ngakuru) that weekend. I am not sure what that entails, but sounded
like a big thing to me, so I thought – when will I ever get to experience
something like this again in this lifetime? Would be a good thing to attend and
lend support as well. So, I told her I would
be happy to attend, and I promptly changed my stay at Kopua to Wednesday until
Friday, and then will continue to stay in Ngakuru Monastery from Friday to
Sunday.
As always, when things
unexpectedly crop up – I looked at it and wonder, everything must be working
out as they should. The Universe (God) knows what He/She is doing. And it turned out to be a good thing (as
expected) in comparison with my earlier plan of going during the Easter weekend.
Why do I say that? Well, for one thing – this new plan made it so that I would
need to finish up my assignments before going on the retreat. Work before pleasure, you know? If the work
came after the retreat, my mind may have been too concerned with incomplete
tasks to truly be relaxed and open to my communion with God. In addition, upon returning after the retreat
– knowing me, I would be putting off to the last minute before deadline to do
the assignments – and that would have been unnecessary stress.
So everything was set. I was all eager to go Tuesday night. Since there wasn’t a meeting for that night, I took it easy – when home and took my time packing to go for the trip. All was well – with leaving on Wednesday and staying the 2 nights. In fact, if not for the trip to Ngakuru, I would have liked to stay on to the weekend. Kopua Monastery is really quite beautiful – and relaxing. It’s nature all around you. Hospitality was great. A truly good place to just kick back, chill out – and listen in silence (something most of us never take time to do).
I won’t go into the details of
the retreat (for now) as I am trying to get to the point where I died. I think you want to know that too, right?
Hopefully no one has any goose bumps yet up to this point – thinking you are
getting a message from the “other side.” Well, you may – I don’t know yet. Anyway, … everything was great up until last
night. As I planned to make a departure
the next day, some of those at this Monastery even suggested to me where to
stop enroute Ngakuru to pick up some fruits for the nuns there (as they had
requested). I told them I plan to leave in the morning immediately after the 8
AM mass. That would give me ample time to take a slow drive to Ngakuru – to enjoy
the scenary – and even to get a bit lost looking for the fruit sellers. It will
be good any how. (Oh by the way, by the above you would have figured out this
is not quite the usual kind of “silent retreat” I was considering – but it’s
still ok being my first time here – I wanted to get a feel of the place first
before doing a real “silent retreat” which includes no conversation with anyone
there.
Anyway, I was up around 4:45 AM –
decided to make my breakfast and then considered if I wanted to join them for
their earlier prayers instead of waiting till 8 AM. Eventually I decided
against that and chose to spend my own quiet time with the Divine. After breakfast and packing up most of my
stuff, I lit my candle and sat down for my meditation. And here is where it
begins.
I can’t tell you the time, cos
time usually seems suspended during meditation – until after it is over and if
you check to see how long you’ve been in it.
I was just going thru my usual routine – just being in stillness,
continuously bringing myself back to the moment – the present – the NOW. It
seems after a while, I felt this prompting coming from deep within saying to me
“you need to turn back.” I was like “what?
What do you mean?” The response – tho firm, was not impatient of annoyed with
my seemingly blurriness. It just repeated, “you need to turn around and go
back. Go back to Palmy now.” And I thought to myself – wait a minute. This is
not right. Why would I turn back. I am all ready to go on to Ngakuru. I can’t
not go. I don’t want to disappoint the nuns there. I had just sent a short message to my sister
the night before informing her I was going to go to Ngakuru (her friend is the
one who recommended me to Kopua and is the same person who will be made an
Oblate tomorrow in Ngakuru). We were
both excited about the prospect of me going there. I told others at this Monastery I will be
going there tomorrow. Everything is set. I can’t not go. And as I contemplated these and argued in my
head, my neck and shoulder muscles began to hurt. I tried bringing myself back
to the present and letting go of those “negative” thoughts as well as “unknotting”
my muscles, but it got increasingly uncomfortable. So I decided to get off the
floor and stop the meditation. I went
back to the bed and decided to lie down for a while, I guess it must have been
quite sometime already cos as I recall now – the time as approximately 6.25 am.
I told myself I’d just lie down for an hour and get back up around 7:30 am to
ready myself for mass.
But even lying down – those thoughts
returned with “get up and go now. You need not wait till 8 AM.” And I answered –
but I want to attend the mass. I will leave after that as planned. The voice
was gentle yet insisting, “go now. Get up and leave. Turn around and head back
to Palmerston North.” I was truly like “what?
What’s going on? What is so important that I need to go back to Palmy now? And
as I entertained these thoughts – all sorts of crazy ideas started flying in my
head. Perhaps there will be an accident enroute to Hastings or Rotorua or who
knows where? Maybe I need to heed this warning and return. But then what if by
turning back there is a landslide enroute to Palmy? What if the accident is on
the way back instead? Why would this inner voice be asking me to turn? What is
the reason? How do I tell the nuns I won’t be going? Will they be disappointed?
I can’t bring them the fruits they wanted? Wouldn’t they have been looking
forward to that?
I couldn’t go back to sleep – no nap
possible. As I contemplated these – my back started aching again .. from my
neck to my shoulders to my back now .. even though I was lying down. So I
decided to get up – and return to meditating. Maybe I can bring myself back to
a state of “calm” and “present” – and I would know exactly what I needed to do.
As I was preparing to do that, I don’t quite know what took possession of me,
but I picked up my phone – turned on the mobile data (my phone is turned off
99% of the time while I am at the retreat) and sent a message apologizing to my
friend to let her know I am not going to make it to Ngakuru but will be turning
back instead. I thought she would get it later as I was led to believe she
would not herself be at the monastery until later in the evening. I went back to my meditation – and everything
started to ease up .. the discomfort in my
back both gradual and yet “quick” – diminished. I was fully back into
the present and felt fully at rest and relaxed. After a bit – again I don’t
know exactly how long it was, I got up to get the rest of my things and head
out. I went out to the office, but there was no one around. I wrote a short message in the visitor’s log
to thank them for a great time and then walked outside to leave. I glanced at
my watch – 7:30 AM. Guess they were
getting ready or making preparation for their mass. One last time I considered,
shall I just stay for mass? It’s only 30 minutes away. And the inner voice
returned, “go now.” I got into my car and as I backed out, I noticed one of the
Companions, Daniel, walking back towards the office. I stopped and thanked him
and to let him know I was leaving. I turned on my phone, and there was a
message from my friend in Ngakuru. Her message – short and simple: “Ok. No
problem. Have a safe drive. Take care.”
At the start of the journey
And off I went after that. A bit
of sadness as I departed the place. A bit of sadness that I would not be headed
to Ngakuru – but overall a gentle calmness as if this was the “right” thing to
do. And so my journey “home” had begun.
As I hit the road, I noticed in a distance a beautiful rainbow. It was like it
was beckoning to me. Felt really peaceful. The road was clear – barely any cars
on the road. All the way the rainbow as just ahead of me – sometimes very clear
and sometimes seeming to fade a bit ..
Again, I am uncertain of the time
– but I guess it was mid-point in the journey (total journey is only about an
hour) – as I was going through a windy (not wind prone section but one that was
curvy along the mountain side I guess), at one point – this is where it
happened. The road was wet – and probably a bit slippery. A light drizzle had
started – and as a truck approached me from the other side, I remembered
something a friend of mine said to me when he visited me last Christmas. He and
his wife made the comment that the trucks in NZ were like transformers (not
like the trucks – or what we call lorries – in Malaysia). As I remembered that, another thought popped
into my head and said – becareful, the road is curvy, narrow and slippery –
slight departure on your part of that of the truck and it’s over. And just as
that thought came into my mind – it was OVER! I saw my car headed directly head
on towards the truck. It was light slow motion – like you would see in the
movies .. Matrix maybe. There is another show I can’t quite recall the name now
– but where some youngsters had some psychic ability and could phase their car
in and out of “solid form” and .. oh anyway … it was just like that. I saw
everything breaking into bits and flying all over ….
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| All the way to the end - final one was full from one end to the other. |
It was also at that very same time – I was phasing out of physicalness – passing through the truck. And as I passed through – I looked up in the rear view mirror and I could still see the parts – bits of everything exploding into the air flying in all directions .. but I was still driving on .. Wait a minute. How can this be?? Am I there
or am
I here? Am I dead? Or am I alive? What’s happening? The weirdest feeling
ever. But I didn’t stop – and I didn’t
step on the break, I just drove on as if nothing had happened. It occurred to
me then …. I have died many times over.
The realization at that moment
was – ahhh, they are right … there are multiple realities. Every juncture where
you could have done this or done that – they were all real. With each
possibility going in its own direction. One part of you is back there. Game
over. That reality is there – your friends and family from that reality will be
informed of the accident later in the day. But this reality – this me writing
here, is another reality. I THINK? I am
here now – or will you be hearing about an accident later today? Of something
that happened this morning? But then – where does this blog entry come from?
From the other side? Or perhaps you will not get this? In the other reality –
most likely not. And what does this have
to do with turning back to Palmy instead of going on to Ngakuru? The same
experience could have happened on the road there, right? The only difference is
that had I gone on, I would certainly not be writing in the blog cos I would
not be accessing my blog there until I returned to Palmy. I don’t know what it all means. I just don’t
know .. what is real now. Am I real? Are you? I think it tells me tho – that I
am dead and yet I am alive. I have died many times, and still I live. Life is
eternal. It is never ending. To end this
very long chapter (4 pages long with – WOW), let me end with a
passage I read while at Kopua.
If some fool tells you
that the soul perishes like the body and that which dies never returns, tell
him the flower perishes but the seed remains and lies before us as the secret
of life everlasting. (The Awakened Soul – Kahlil Gibran)
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