Self Care & The other "Serenity Prayer"

Take care of your self. Many make the mistake of thinking that self care simply makes one selfish. This is, again, a result of our social conditioning where we have been taught to always "sacrifice" for another, always give to others before you take for yourself. As with most things - extremes are probably not what's best.  So, if you are always putting others ahead of yourself - it also means there is a lack of care and respect for your own Self.  

I like to take the example of being on a plane (taking a flight) when I talk about self care. If you have ever taken a flight anywhere, you will likely remember the cabin crew going over certain safety protocols with the passengers before take off.  In one part when they talk about "in the instance of an emergency .. the oxygen masks will automatically drop down ..."  In that instance, if you recall, the instruction given to all of us is to mask ourselves before making an attempt to assist the person next to you even if that person is a child or an elderly.  The logic is simple. If you attempt to assist the other person but in the process lose consciousness yourself, you will be of no help to the other person. Hence, one needs to take the oxygen masks, place that over him/herself first to ensure he/she would not pass out as the plane drops its altitude.  Only after one has done that, should he/she then attempt to help others.

In the same light, in our day to day living - consider that. If we are unwell outselves - extremely stressed out and feeling agitated or irritable - how likely would it be that we can be of kind, compassionate, and helpful to another? 

So, remember to be kind to yourself. While it may be  important for us to take care of our children or aged parents (or whoever), it is equally important to take care of ourselves. You can’t do well taking care of another if you are yourself not well taken care of. Make self-care a priority. Take time to recharge your "batteries." 

Also, remind yourself that at any given moment, you are doing your best. If you make a mistake, as we all do from time to time, own up to it, apologize, forgive yourself, and most importantly – what lesson can you take from that so called mistake to improve on yourself.

This is part 5 of the 5 tips I wanted to share.  Things we can do to keep our sanity during the "lock down." As we (in Malaysia) are now moving into a Conditional Movement Control Order (CMCO), keep in mind all the 5 suggestions given are also applicable for all other times.

Remember also to look up hypnosis (or meditation). Neither is “religion.” They can be powerful tools to help us maintain a sense of peace and calm especially in these challenging times. Beyond this situation we are in – they can also serve to help us on a positive journey of growth, development, and well-being.

We are all in this together. We are all going to get through this – better, stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than before. And that in itself is a positive – a silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud.

Peace & Namaste
Sylvester

The Serenity Prayer (Part 4 of 5)

We always have a choice, though we don’t always see that. 

It is important to recognize situations where some things ARE beyond our control. But even when they are seemingly out of our control, we still do have a CHOICE how we respond to that situation. 

In any given situation or event, even if it may seem to be unpleasant at the moment - ask yourself, what is the most beneficial response I can have at this moment? Getting angry when stuck in a jam, for example. Banging on the horn repeatedly and cussing isn't likely to move the traffic along any faster. It would likely serve to increase your blood pressure, hurt your hand from banging on the horn,  and maybe even damage the steering wheel.

Instead, if you consider what your most beneficial response may be at that given moment - perhaps you will come to accept that present NOW. Take the moment to reflect - something pleasant, something calm, something enriching. Use that time given to you to "take a break" from the busy hustle and bustle of everyday rush. Turn on your favorite radio channel, listen to your preferred DVD - perhaps a song, music, or even a motivational talk by your favorite guru. Wouldn't that be more beneficial?

If a "mistake" has already been done. Take the example of spilled milk. Crying over it and screaming and shouting - be it at others or at yourself - isn't going to return the milk to it's container. Instead, consider what could be done in the future to decrease the likelihood of that mistake. Is there a lesson that can be drawn in the incident. And knowing that with some things, they are just "accidents." Something unintended - but they happen to the best of us. So learning to accept them just as they are without judging yourself or another may also be the way to go. Perhaps they can be a reminder to you of how you have grown. To be a more accepting, a calmer, a more patient person: parent, child, friend, colleague etc.

As in the previous blog article (Part 3 of 5) - there is always always something we can be grateful for. Focus your energy on that positive. Get something beneficial and empowering from it. Stay positive. Stay healthy.

Peace & Namaste

Focus on the NOW (present) (Part 3 of 5)

It has been said: we experience “depression” when we live in the past, and “anxiety” when we live in the future. We forget that all we have, really, is the present – the NOW.

When you are with your child/spouse (whoever), try to immerse yourself fully in the moment putting aside “I should have done this and that earlier / yesterday / etc.” or “I need to do this and that later on.” Many of us have been conditioned to constantly be thinking of the next moment or the past. 

We may be thinking about all the things we should have done or could have done and didn't do. Alternatively, we may be thinking of all the things we did but now wish we didn't. No amount of regret or guilt is going to be able to change our past. All that energy spent in looking at the past does no good in changing it. What has been, has been. The only good guilt and regret can do for us if we take them to spur us onwards. Learn the lesson they give. And then move on to correct "mistakes" made.

Similarly, we are also conditioned to look only at the future. Worrying that this or that may happen. What if this .. what if that? Filling our minds with all the what ifs and worrying about this and that will not do us any good. However, if we consider what we can do to make things better and then act on them - they may do us some good. Once a plan has been made and action taken, we need to let it proceed as it will without constantly ruminating on it. All the worries about tomorrow will similarly produce nothing.

All we really have is the present moment - the NOW. Do what we can to correct past mistakes and/or to prepare for the future. And then proceed with your decision without a continuous thinking and rethinking. If there is something you can do about it, do it.  If there is not, learn to accept and let it go.

Whenever you are doing something, let your focus be fully in the present moment. Set a goal, and learn to enjoy the journey (the process) - which is the present moment - and immerse yourself fully in the activity in hand.

Whenever you are with someone - be that your colleague, associate, friend, family member, your spouse or your child give him/her your full attention. If you are constantly distracted with what was in your past or what is to come, you will miss this very moment. And this moment, once gone, will never come again. Your full attention given to the one you are with is a precious precious gift to them and can go a long way in nurturing them (and yourself too).

Be in the NOW. Embrace it fully and be glad you have this time - this moment. Make full use of it for all we truly have is this moment NOW. 

In every dark cloud, there's a silver lining (Part 2 of 5)

For everything situation or event in life, there’s always something we can be thankful for. ALWAYS. It’s just that most of us – our brains – have been trained to look for the worst in any situation. If not the worst, then for most people we tend to look for the negatives, the problems, the difficulties. This may be because of an underlying belief that life IS difficult. Life IS unfair. We MUST struggle in order to succeed. And many other similar beliefs that we have come to accept and therefor experience in our lives.

These underlying messages are embedded in our subconscious, and we play out that "reality" expected. As you believe it, so it is.  In psychology, this is often referred to as the "Self Fulfilling Prophecy."

My suggestion here is a little different from Part 1 previously. With the previous suggestion of minimizing the negative flow of information, the idea was to substitute the constant flow of taking in or exposing ourselves to an overwhelming amount of the negative. Instead, it would be more enriching if we were to allow more positive, more pleasant news to come to us. Some may say it was simply just substituting negative with positive news.

However, here I am suggesting we take it one step further. Not only do we look for positive news to replace the dark and gloomy. Instead, look for the silver lining – “the good out of the bad.” In other words, within any "unpleasant" situation or event - look out for the positive thing that can come out of it. Perhaps it is a lesson we can take from it. Or we may see an opportunity instead of a problem.

Re-train our brain to look for positive things in our lives to be grateful for. And if we were to look, we will always see that there is something to be grateful for.

Peace & Namaste

Minimize the continuous flow of the news (negative) (Part 1 of 5)

When we were kids, almost all decisions were made for us. What to wear, what to eat, and what to watch - these were all decided by our parents or caretakers.  What information we took in back then was very much out of our control.

Today, however, we do have greater autonomy. While many are so deeply conditioned to be passive recipients of decisions (and information) made with regards to our well-being, we do actually have a choice. I can appreciate that many of us feel this is not true. But that's part of the conditioning. It has become our norm. And you have the power to change that "norm." Start believing you do have control in many instances. Reclaim your power to decide - especially when it comes to what information you take in on a daily basis.

Social media is a buzz daily with frightening news. Family members, friends, associates, and colleagues - though with good intention - readily provide you with daily updates of the terrible news all around the world. In this period of pandemic - this can be seen even more rampantly. 

While I am not suggesting we bury our heads in the sand and not keep up to date, I am suggesting we CAN – minimize the steady stream of “negative” news we get daily. How many infected, how many have passed away, etc. How can it be helpful to continuously fill our lives with scary and unpleasant information? All that does is reinforce the idea of gloom and doom in a very very dark world.

Instead of checking every morning (or daily) on what terrible things are happening - checking on the number of death thus far and so on, look out for pleasant, happy, positive news. Whether that pertains to the current pandemic or otherwise, start filling your world view with the beauty of life, the wonderful things that are still happening daily, the joy of simple everyday living. If you look for them, you will see them.

Seeing these, feeling them, experiencing the many blessings that abound in our lives - be prepared to share these with others as well. You can be the beacon of light in a time when most others seem to find themselves in darkness.

Minimize your daily intake of "negative" news and begin the process of seeing positive and happy news that surrounds you. Do it NOW and see how quickly that can pick you up from a sense of fear, anxiety, and depression.

Shalom

Keeping Sane during the Covid-19 Pandemic

Below is something I had prepared for a short presentation made to a group of individuals to help stay "sane during the Covid-19 pandemic." I am just going to "paste" the text I had prepared below.  In that presentation, I had offered 5 tips on what we can do while we are in some form of a "lock down" and required to "stay home" to curb the spread of the virus.  Each tip will be shared subsequent to this first entry for the next 5 days with a single tip each day.  Hope this might be helpful to you or at least give you a little food for thought.

It’s a scary and difficult time for many people. Many are not just worried about health – but also the financial hardship that is felt by majority of the population.

Most of us are afraid for ourselves, our children, our aging parents, our family, friends and loved ones.

Many lives have been disrupted, and there is no telling how long this is going to draw out – and no one can really predict what is going to happen next. All that uncertainty leads many to feelings of anxiety and depression leading some to even take their own lives.

Earlier I said I wanted to start off with …
Then I remembered that if we are to focus our energy on the negative, that will not make things better. In fact, it only compounds the issue. The more we look at the negatives, the more bleak the situation.  It’s what we sometimes refer to as the “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

There’s much we can talk about here, but in the given time we have – there is a need to narrow down the focus and only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most.

I would like, if it is okay with all of you, to share with you some of the things we can do to help give some balance (which means keeping some positivity) to our lives. The topic for today, afterall is: “Keeping sane .. and taking care of our mental well-being.”

First a little background info  – my background is in clinical and counseling psychology. My journey in psychotherapy spans nearly 30 years – in various places namely the US, Australia, NZ and of course here in Malaysia. Over the years, I have also come to advocate the use of hypnosis or hypnotherapy to help clients, friends and family. Not only using it in therapy but also training others to be a hypnotherapist – or at minimum learn to use self hypnosis for personal healing and growth.

There is much confusion and misconception with regards to hypnosis. And as much as I would like to go into what hypnosis is and what it is not, again, time prohibits that for today. So, in short – let me just say that it deals with reframing our perception of things, and altering the “programming” we all have within our subconscious that may be unhealthy or not beneficial to our current lives.

Practising hypnosis or self-hypnosis can help tremendously to keep us sane and more than just sane – also healthy and continually in the process of positive growth and development. It can help us lower our stress and anxiety quickly and effectively. Sometimes you will hear people suggesting meditation (which is another topic that is interesting and filled with misconceptions). There is no doubt, much similarities between the two. And again, as much as I would like to go into greater details on these two topics, I will not be able to delve into them today.

(We will keep the discussion on hypnosis to another time - or blog entry.)

For the sake of expediency – to best utilize the time we have today – let me just advocate to all of us – the use of either of these techniques/practices to help keep us sane and healthy.

I would recommend that you look into hypnosis or self-hypnosis on your own to help you get through this period. Primarily, hypnosis works on changing our mind-set, some call it paradigm, or our perception on how to view the world differently.

As mentioned earlier, the next 5 entries will each include 1 tip on how we can keep ourselves "sane" during this period. :)

Wandering Thoughts

Wandering thoughts - are they "useless" and/or "worthless?" More than that, are they negative and destructive even?

Well, I guess that depends on one's perspective. Like everything else, it is not so much a matter of what is "happening" to us. Rather it is how we respond to "what is happening."

As I was watering my plants on my balcony this morning, I found myself thinking:

Look at how some of these plants are growing. Lately they seem to be doing better than usual. Perhaps it is because I do not feel "rushed" as I water them and prune them (clear out dead leaves etc) as I may have been doing (albeit without awareness") in the past. Not that I have an extremely busy life now - being "semi-retired" and all. However, pre MCO (movement control order) days - there were appointments and responsibilities to fulfill each day. While there are still some of these the "not having to go out" does afford one a little bit more "leisure" time - to go a bit slower not needing to account for travel time, energy to unwind once back home, or to re-build the momentum started earlier with one's particular activity or project.

From the thought of - look at how well these are growing, my mind wandered to the next thought which was: will I live to see them reach their potential? Will they out live me? Before you guess these thoughts lead to a sense of morose - let me just say they didn't. Or at least they did not seem that way to me.

In the midst of that thinking - I began noticing my thoughts: what I am thinking or, where they were leading me, if there is a purpose to the thinking, what use is there - if any - for these thoughts?

This, I believe is the beginning process of the mind becoming awaken or aware. The being in the NOW. The becoming the observer rather than the thought. Being both observer and observed. Not one or the other - but both. A sort of "detachment" if you will. (Some might start to describe this as a "dissociation" - tho I'd like to think this is not necessarily a bad or negative thing.)

So, I start to notice - hey, what's the purpose of this thinking? Is it something beneficial to you? Is this all just a waste of time - as in you can be doing so much more instead of wasting time (1) thinking these things and (2) watering plants and trimming them etc. Aren't there books you want to write? Projects you want to complete? Programs you want to design?

As often the case - a dialogue takes shape in my mind. And those questions receive a respond that goes something like the following:

Well, doing what I am doing gives me a sense of purpose - a sense of pleasure even. I take joy in seeing the plants grow. Keeping the mini balcony garden look neat. Bringing to the earth - new life. Contributing in some sense to mother earth. More greens, more oxygen, and in the process maybe even some food (physical nourishment) that will come from some of the produce. And if they out live me - so what? The purpose of growing them, while may partly be that they contribute to my "tomorrow" - that is NOT the sole purpose. It is not in the "end result" but the process or "journey" that one finds joy, meaning, and fulfillment.

We are all living in this moment in time. Thinking of yesterday only may bring about sense of regret and sadness (of what once used to be, of the things not done or done but regretted, and so on). Living entirely with the focus on tomorrow (what to do, what will happen etc) may lead to a sense of anxiety. So, just take pleasure in the moment - the NOW. For that is all we truly have. Tomorrow, this will be the past - and that moment (tomorrow) will be our NOW.  Every moment in time - this is true. As soon as the word has been written or spoken, the action taken - it has become the past.  Every NOW is filled with potential - to do anything possible right in front of you. Every step is fulfillment of that potential. Every thought and action is in the mechanics of creation.

This dialogue then led me to thinking - I should finish up here and go write this down. It is an "opening" for me. A lesson learnt. Tho it may not seem to be of any "great" relevance to another - but it is to me.  And that is good enough.

Almost immediately this is followed up with a "oh don't bother. You won't write (type) this out. It will just use up more time. What's the purpose anyway? You think anyone cares to read it? ... etc."

I wasn't quite sure I would eventually write these thoughts down. I will have to finish up what I am doing. Go downstairs to my "workspace," boot up the computer, open the page and start typing. And what will I write? How do I start? What do I title it. No idea.

But I did finish up. I came down. Started of the notebook etc - and here I am writing. Being in the NOW. Doing what I want to do. Responding to the gentle urge prompting from within.

Are the meandering or wandering thoughts earlier, useless? I would wager - they are not. If the thoughts lead to simply worrying, feeling anxious, regretting, and worse hating oneself - perhaps. But if the thoughts led to some insight, to actions that go towards one's well-being - then they were there for a purpose. A function. And a good one at that. If they led to a sense of greater understanding of self, an awareness, and a sense of fulfillment - then wandering thoughts, in and of themselves, are not necessarily "bad," "negative," or "worthless."

Let not your thoughts scare you or disable you or trap you in an endless cycle of just "thinking." Be the observer of your thoughts. Appreciate their presence. Accept their gifts. Let them prompt you to action. Action that can broaden your mind, increase your understanding of self and others, and find fulfillment and contentment.



My thoughts for today (or rather for this moment NOW).

Peace to All. Namaste.