Part 9 - Autobiography - Conclusion

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

As with Sinclair, I too perceived this special being to be of a physical existence. But at the end – Sinclair learns, as do I though in a different way, when Demian approaches him and instructs him never to seek Demian ‘physically’ again but rather “Look for me within yourself.” (Babcock, p. 6) And so I say, as Herman Hesse said, that there exist within each of us a ‘Demian,’ our Self. We need to journey into our inner world to discover and learn about this Self in order to correct our lives, and help us overcome chaos and dangers. Carlos Castenada’s Don Juan is yet another example [Yes, another interesting allegory about who you are dealing with] of a Sinclair, or even of myself, a being who transfer “to a source apart from himself the realization experienced in plumbing the depths of the psyche.” (Babcock, p. 77) Babcock herself puts it as: “There is great danger in seeking Self, and attempting to communicate with one’s unconscious. But it is a path that must be taken if one’s potential is to be fulfilled and consciousness is to be expanded.” (Babcock, p. 77) Concerning each individual’s duty I mentioned earlier, Hesse says, “An enlightened man had but one duty – to seek the way to himself, to reach inner certainty, to grope his way forward, no matter where it led.”

Thus once again we see, the necessity to make that inward journey, the journey into the Self as we understand others, our Self’s, and ultimately the Source. I could probably go on and on in this task that is interminable but to what avail? If granted the time to do as I please, I would, of little doubt, continue this work of writing this paper. But alas such is not given me at this moment. In drawing to a close let me say still that while I may feel that I have an insight to TRUTH, it is (as said much earlier) not for me nor any other to preach and teach the WAY. Neither I nor anyone else can ‘give’ another the SOLUTION. [Good. I agree.] Writing hundreds of books on this matter (writing this is one of my ambition incidentally) will not serve the purpose or fulfil our task duty or mission. And if we do write the books, it is not to teach the TRUTH, but rather to encourage and inspire one to have the yearning to understand and thus to make the [his/her own] journey. [Good attitude to apply this that way.]

As Jung wrote in his letter to Serrano: “people in our world who have insight and good will enough, should concern themselves with their own ‘souls,’ more than preaching to the masses or trying to find out the best way for them … everybody teaches everybody, and nobody seems to realise the necessity that the way to improvement begins right in himself” (Babcock, p. 164). Yes, indeed, for “The Self is not known through the study of scriptures, nor through subtlety of the intellect, nor through much learning; but by him who longs for him is he known. Verily unto him does the self reveal his true being” (Shin, p.6).

In answering the final questions as required for this paper, I will attempt to answer it in light of my understanding of the question. [Yes, you understand what I was asking for.] If the final question is what must I do to close possible futures, and realize the possibilities of the present, my answer would be as stated over and over again above – to seek one’s Self; to make the journey into the interior. While I still possess the freedom to choose (in a sense) in a way, I have also given up that freedom. The very day I took the role of being a disciple of the mystic, my possible futures were then closed. Opened to me now is to discover the Truth and to serve in alleviating the pains of man (all pains are caused by lack of TRUTH) [or in today’s terminology I would rephrase that to all pains are caused by our disconnectedness to the SOURCE].

I had intended to write a lot more matters like for example, concerning my master who served as a great source of identity for me. Similarly, I wanted to describe how my change of life affected the lives of my close friends, my way of thinking had influenced them to a large extend and continue to have effects on them even this day. However, this has always been a foe. Until I can understand time too, realizing my full potential and possibilities for the present will continue to be hindered. In concluding, let me extract some words relevant, I feel, to one’s duty and future:

“I have often speculated with images of the future, dreamed of roles that I might be assigned, perhaps as a poet, or prophet, or painter, or something similar. All that was futile. I did not exist to write poems, to preach or to paint; neither I nor anyone else. All of that was incidental. Each man had only one genuine vocation – to find the way to himself. He might end up as a poet, a madman, as prophet or as a criminal – that was not his affair, ultimately it was of no concern. His task was to discover his own destiny – not an arbitrary one – and live it out wholly and resolutely within himself.” (Babcock, pp. 77-78).

[I very much enjoyed talking with you this semester and reading your paper. I hope you continue with what you are doing, it is a “project” that not many come to but as you say, all are capable of in one way or another. I would be interested in continuing in conversation – with you along the way.]

[Sylvester, I am curious about the face you saw in the window as a child. Is this the face of your “master” or is it your own projected self? I am also in agreement with your view that the so-called external world (or our perception of it) is unreal. It is the SELF then that is REAL, and there are many such SELVES so that we clearly belong to an extended REALITY, perhaps even an infinite REALITY. Your father too is REAL, though it is apparent that you never knew HIM, only the “him” that never knew YOU either I think your estrangement from HIM may be a cause for your journey inward (most educate themselves outward despite the advice of the sages!) I would like to speak with you again about this.  ~ NW III]

This concludes the paper I wrote over 30 years ago!! Much has changed since then, and yet much remains the same (or similar). While I believe not only has my body (my physical incarnation) grown and aged - my emotions, my thoughts, and my beliefs have also evolved. Perhaps, in the following days - I will be able to write down more of what I am thinking or feeling as well as all those "side tracks" that I wanted to embark on during the paper but did not do.  I am still of the belief though that all these writing and articulation are for the purpose of my own growth and development rather than to present a truth or a path that is required for others to pursue and/or believe. We will all have to do our own inward journey - to find ourselves, and none of us can dictate to another the way that is for them.

Namaste,
Syl

Part 8 - Autobiography (The Self)

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

For in TRUTH, there exists at least a dual reality: one the physical, and the other the spiritual/emotional [non-material]; the something and the nothing [nothing not as we understand it but rather – no thing meaning not a “thing” or not “material]; the real and the unreal; the rational and the [what appears to be] irrational. But because we are concentrated on the physical, we are thus handicapped to the spiritual. What is obvious and visible has blinded us to the “invisible.” All that I can say is that our perception of other will eventually lead us into discovering our “Selfs” – we might then eventually succeed in understanding the SELF.

Now to escape [move away] from the philosophical, I will move to the paranormal (actually there is hardly a distinction since they both exist in the same realm of the SOURCE.)  What has all that to do with my own life and how it is connected to the paranormal? Well, my involvement in the paranormal is that which has led me to discover such Truths (note of the when I use a word with only its first letter capitalized, I refer to the incomplete-ness and imperfection). For after I had become a disciple [does not equate to a devotee/worshiper but rather one who studies or looks into] of the mysterious, I sought out books supposedly to read, but never really did. Often I would take the books, hold them, flip through the pages, mentally extracting diagrams and sentences and ‘understand.” [in retrospect – today I would say these books found me rather than I sought them out or found them]. Then (when, I do not remember) I started using these ‘gifts’ that appeared psychic in nature. I used them, even abused them for a long period. Perhaps from the age of 8-9 until the age of 17, I ‘harnessed’ [used them frequently]. (I have chosen not to define and explain these gifts here in this paper for certain obvious reasons. I would, however, be willing to discuss these things sometimes called ‘gifts’ and occasionally ‘a curse.’) [As I re-write these now, I am tempted to branch out to talk more of those experiences and stuff I used to term as gifts or curses – but again, while I feel an urge to do so – I am also mindful that I want to complete this re-write NOW first .. and perhaps will revert to those terms past this re-write.]

I was about 16 [to 18 perhaps] when I started to dript from the Church. Then, how and when exactly I am not sure but this voice started speaking within me. [As I re-write this and even when I first wrote the above, I am very mindful of what I believe many “religious” will immediately assure that this drifting away from the Church and delving into the so called mysterious and later the “voice within” are all indicative of my soul being taken over by the Devil him/herself.] Again, I do not know how to describe it but I know it was different from the voice of my conscience. Similarly it was different for the voice of GOD [or what I would have then expected GOD’s voice to be]. In fact, now writing about it I recall ‘its’ first words to me: “I am in you as you are in me.” (strange how it came back to me all of a sudden) and my hair stood on its ends (as they do now too) [but not today as I am doing the re-write]. That voice was much later termed as my “master” [not as one who controls me but rather like a teacher – one who teaches and points the way]. He served to teach me many things about the world (my world) and of Life, about the philosophical as well as the supernatural.

Through many ups and downs, ‘he’ stood by me. In a way, ‘he’ helped bring me back to the Church and into believing in God [showing me that the Church was not what is bad or wrong – nor was it necessary good or right. Rather it is a ‘way,’ a tool by which we can access and return to the Source.] I always felt that ‘he’ was real (as in being real flesh and blood). I do not know for sure if he ever existed in the flesh but recently I somewhat changed my opinion and said he was a part of my world, and thus Real but did not exist in the flesh and blood. Perhaps my ‘master’ was like Sinclair’s Demian in Herman Hesse’s book Demian. [I think this is a good ‘hint’ as to what you are dealing with here.] As Hesse wrote:

“Demian is not actually a physical being, since he is never separated from Sinclair … In fact, Demian is Sinclair himself, his deepest self … Demian is the essential Self which remains unchanging and untouched, … Demian provides the young boy Sinclair with a redeeming awareness of the millennial being which exists within him so that he can overcome chaos and danger.” (Babcock, p.5)

To be continued …

Peace,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 7 (What is REAL?)

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

I think this shouldn't be titled as Autobiography. Only Part 1 seemed to have been touching on that. The rest are (were) more about how I see the world or my beliefs. I suppose – it speaks more of how my present day views/perceptions/beliefs came to be. I will have to consider changing the title ..

But one will then ask, “What is this all about? What does it mean to be unreal? Who do we perceive things around us ‘wrongly’? Well, we learn that the philosopher Abraham Heschel said that “each life harbours a mystery.” Each one of us holds a mystery in our lives and yet all our mysteries put together is only a fraction of the whole MYSTERY which is the SOURCE [or God, as some may term] (“God / SOURCE is the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts”. – Babcock) And just as we hold a mystery, so too do we possess individually our very own purpose or duty [dharma]. Thus, I think, it would be incorrect to say that our perception is wrong. [incomplete perhaps would be more accurate.] Let us examine our second diagram [below]:

[There is no contradiction or conflict here with Interpretive Sociology or its philosophical background. What Interpretive Sociology, especially the “branch” called Symbolic Interactionism, does is look at and study how people communicate about their different realities, how they negotiate a common understanding about them and about such things as God and REALITY.]

Diagram 2

Each of our World is a ‘pattern.’ But beyond this pattern, encompassing all is a greater ‘pattern,’ a ‘divine plan’ …thus Pirsig [my professor didn’t know I had apparently already read the book he was recommending to me in his earlier comment] described it (the divine ‘pattern) as larger than his son and himself (Robert Pirsig). Then Langness and Frank talks about a template which is provided by a “prior structure of personal identity” (p. 109) or as C.G. Jung calls it “a preconscious knowledge” (Babcock, p.1) – all these leading us back to the idea of being an extended-being of a greater being termed earlier, and in this paper, as the SOURCE. Again we have returned to the SOURCE. We will try to avoid being caught up in that and return to the question of why the individual possess an incomplete perception of REALITY. In answer to that I return to my earlier statement of each individual having a purpose. Our very purpose in life is to unravel the mystery of the Self or of Life.

Now, what ‘self’ am I referring to at the present? We will deal first with the Self = World (our own) = Reality; after all our World is our Life. Turning back to the quotes made earlier (taken from Schumacher’s book) and by various wise men of old, we find the universal and timeless advice of seeking one’s Self, of journeying into the ‘within.’ I still have not answered the question? Well, [if you will] examine what I wrote in page 12 of this paper: [this would be in Part 5]

Yet the understanding of the without is an attempt to understand the within. That accounts for our incomplete perception. As we attempt to understand ourselves, (perhaps unconsciously) we inadvertently project ourselves into others. [There is no doubt that this psychological phenomenon occurs. We also “project” onto our society in an analogous way, that is we are a “part” of and creator of our own society through our actions with others. In our attempts to understand our society it is also useful to look “within” our own consciousness and within our own relationships.] 

We see them as we want to, and often not as they really are. We even resent in them what we hate in ourselves. Thus we detest the faults we see in others (faults which may or may not really exist in them) for the very same faults we have ourselves but consciously are unwilling to acknowledge or recognise. I realize my answer is [may be] imprecise and perhaps very unclear but that is precisely the point .. for were I able to define and answer precisely, then I would have succeeded in unravelling the total MYSTERY. Yet, that for me, and for many others, is impossible while we are still hindered by our body or physical reality [more precisely – while we still hold on to the physical world as if this is the only Reality].

To be continued ….

Peace to all,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 6

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

In an attempt to write a paper such as tis, it is most difficult, even impossible, not to include however briefly, the ontological concept. Since it is not the primary purpose of this paper to deal with the question of whether there exist a divine being, I will try my best to avoid falling into the discussion of whether a god in the form of a REAL being exists. However, allow me here to bring in a diagram we have already used and discussed in class, and skim through, if at all possible, the part that deals with this idea of a god.

Diagram 1

From Diagram 1, we see right in the middle is what is termed the SOURCE, SELF, NATURE, FORCE, OR GOD … or whatever other names have been given IT/HIM/HER. From this SOURCE comes forth or is “created” beings (we will deal herewith only two human beings). The dotted line connecting the SOURCE with each being, be it Adam, Eve, or whoever else, indicates our relationship and, hence, access to the SOURCE of LIFE, TRUTH, KNOWLEDGE, … etc. (thus it was mentioned earlier that all man [woman] are equal; all being a part of this SOURCE and having the same potential in accessing and becoming this POWER or FORCE.

Moving from this SOURCE we will proceed to the “extended” being; a part of that SOURCE, never equalling IT, but always an extensification [I don’t know how I came up with such a word. Apparently it doesn’t exist – but it was in the original text so I have maintained that.] from IT. From this extended being, called Adam, is projected his World, Self, and Reality (all actually being one and the same). In his World (his patterns), exists another being called Eve. To him, Eve is real and rightfully so since Eve exist within his Reality. Eve to him, then, is a source of identity. He sees himself as the “I” in his World and his personality is symbolized by the “Me.” However, to our left we have Eve. She too is a Real being; an extensification from the SOURCE [independent of Adam]. Like Adam, she has her own World, Self, and Reality. And rightfully too, she sees in her world another being called Adam who is all real and solid. As I said, rightfully so that each should see the other in their own individual World as being real, but I said much earlier that what we see are unreal or perhaps I should use unreal. While they do exist [independent of each other] (we will not deal with the ontological issue here), they are still unreal.  Again I stress that being unreal does not constitute non-existence. As TRUE-beings, they are unreal only because of Adam’s [or Eve’s] incorrect or imprecise perception of Eve and vice-versa. Therefore, each hold a part of REALITY but never total REALITY; a part of the SOURCE, but never equalling IT, but always an extensification of it. The “Self” is one measure of the ‘WHOLE’ that is the same in each and is of the quality of the ‘WHOLE’ (Babcock, p. 7).

[I highly recommend the following book to you. (It is not about working on motorcycles, but about values and quality.) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig.]

To be continued …

Peace
Syl

Autobiography - Part 5

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

Unable to describe REALITY, and delving into the occults or the paranormal (or philosophical) I am well aware of the warnings of Boorstin that I will make myself “a sitting duck for my more profound philosopher-colleagues” on the one hand and those who are more prone to accepting “modern materialistic Scientism” on the other. Schumacher even went as far as to warn that I would be considered by many intellectuals as being “mentally deficient.”  Regardless of the possible opinions of others, I am convicted in my belief and feel strongly that what I have is an insight of glimpse of REALITY.  I do not profess to possess complete TRUTH or KNOWLEDGE. As with many others, I am still in search of that. Neither do I claim to be able to offer solution or solutions to the problems of the world through my philosophy. As with Schumacher’s and Boorstin’s books, my conception and theories serve not so much as the answer to the questions as yet unanswered as they are but stimuli [I think that this is a wise approach to such questions. I also think it is wise to have some external project(s) so that you “come to the surface” and do something also] perhaps to arouse one into making that “journey into the interior” (Schumacher). For I believe that no one can offer us solutions or answers, for all solutions and answers lie only within ourselves; all knowledge is accessible to everyone equally.

This perhaps is the only area where I do not see eye to eye with Schumacher. Where he sees the world as composing of a hierarchy of humans (not including the animals) with some possessing more “adequatio” (as he calls it) than others, I see all humans as equals; all have the same access to the SOURCE of TRUTH, KNOWLEDGE or LIFE. [I pretty much agree with your criticism of Schumacher here.] [equals] [just and unjust] Thus it is that no one is greater than another; all serving out his/her purpose. And therefore, while we need to help one another in order to reach the SOURCE, we CANNOT offer the solution of the WAY to anyone (unless of course that one seeks the WAY himself/herself).  So it is, if one searches for the TRUTH, one will ultimately find it, but not without having to make that journey inwards. [You have set quite a premium on this “journey inward;” must everyone do this – even though no one is greater than another?] [That is what I believe since I believe that the TRUTH lies with-in and not with-out each of us.]

The journey into the interior is but the journey into oneself (or one’s Self). Without the journey into the within, we cannot hope to understand the without; as we all know, we “can understand other beings only to the extent that ‘we’ (you) know ‘ourselves’ (yourself).” Yet the understanding of the without is but an attempt to understand the within (sounds contradictory or paradoxical, even complicating, but I will touch on these again later).  I will attempt at this point to list a number of quotes; although they might appear irrelevant and seem not to have a relationship one with the other, their importance may be seen in my explanation below as I go deeper into my philosophy.

From Schumacher:

“Socrates says: “I must first know myself, as the Delphian inscription says: to be curious about that which is not my concern while I am still in ignorance of my oneself, would be ridiculous.”

“From Alexandria, Philo Judaeus: … until you have scrutinized yourselves .. we may perhaps believe you when you hold forth on other subjects …”

“From ancient Rome, Plotinus: Withdraw into yourself and look.”

“From Medieval Europe, the Theologia Germanica: Thoroughly to know oneself, is above all art, for it is the highest art.”

[I sometimes think that we make dichotomies in order to confuse our “selves.” One conclusion of what you are saying here, for me, is that thinking and talking about the “inside” and the “outside” is merely a convention, a useful way to talk about all this stuff. There is a danger, I think, if we ‘reify’ the inside-outside material.

“From Swami Ramdas: See within – know thyself”

“From the world of Islam …: When Ali asked Mohammad, ‘What am I to do that I may not waste my time?’ The Prophet answered, ‘Learn to know thyself.’

“From China …: He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”

To be continued …

Peace,
Syl

Changing a "Dark Hour" to "Let there be Light"

Today – must be one of the darkest, if not the darkest day since I came to NZ over a year ago.  All I can think of is giving up and moving back to what seemed to be a saner life back in Malaysia. I know this will pass. Or at least that is what I want to believe. It has always done so in the past, so why should today be any different. But – I really don’t know.

 Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I here? It feels like I have walked into a Twilight Zone movie. I don't know where I am or what I am doing anymore. Everything feels so un-real.  It is like all of a sudden I have been envloped by some dark, very dark, cloud. I can't feel my way .. I can't see. I don't hear anything.  I feel like I am lost and with a million questions. What is my purpose?


Everything has suddenly become so meaningless. What's happening? One obstacle appears after another. I keep hitting on hard rock. Will this never end? It feels so hopeless. I feel so helpless. Why did I choose this path? Where is it leading me? I have lost my direction. Where is the light? Nothing is making sense. All I get is this internal urge to pack up and leave. But is this a "calling?" Or is it my fear? My running away? Will I give this up? Have I lost my faith? What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I waiting for?

There just seem to be so many obstacles along my path. It feels almost impossible to overcome them. All those positive reading – all those wise saying. Stay the course. Don’t stray. Change the path, not the goal. Find a way around the boulder. Dig a hole through it. Climb it. Go around it. They all sound so “right.” Yet … Feeling just so tired of the fight, the struggle, the I don’t know what. Everything just seems so dark and hopeless.  I want to just pack up and leave. Give up. Go back to, what now seemed like a better life – better times.

These are the times when I feel the most alone. There is no one to talk with – no one to vent to. It’s all darkness and cold (even though it is not cold outside). It is ironical that the sun is finally shining bright and it is actually a warm day out, but inside – there is just such coldness.

Part of my inner mind says: you can’t be writing these things down. You surely can’t post them – that’s for sure. What will be think? What will they say? And what about all the stuff that you so like to “preach.” Where’s your inner peace now? Where is your meditation? You self hypnosis? And then another part says: I guess I don’t care what people say? I shouldn’t anyway. So, if they don’t believe me any more, would that matter? I am not here to please anyone. I haven’t been doing what I’ve done to convince any other to my beliefs. I have only shared my life and my experiences. And if they help, that’s great. If they did not, it’s not my place to change another’s life.  So who cares if they read these and think differently. I am not writing to make others feel good. I am being me – being who I want to be.

Is this who I want to be – though? I think now. But right now – I am just being the best that I can be. Like anyone else – I am finding my way “home.” Trying to reconnect with the Source. And while I am not perfect (yet) .. I am moving in that direction. Or at least I believe I am.

And while there is no one physically around me right now for me to talk with – to vent to – to just pour out my soul, my insecurities, my fears, my anxieties – there are those who care who are but a few clicks away.  I received messages from my sister, my brother, and even my mom. There are always angels around.  If we but only open ourselves up to see. Surrender.  And let go.  Let go, and Let God.

There are so much to be thankful for. Indeed, I need to stop and calm my mind. Relax – and breathe in and out. Deeply and calmly.  God says: Let there be Peace. My grace shall be sufficient unto you.  Yes .. let there be peace, and let that peace begin in (with me) me.

Both my bro and sis offered a listening ear when they heard I was not having a good day. But I didn’t feel up to explaining what was going on. Heck, I don’t even know what is going on – other than there was a sudden envelope of darkness all around me.  I am thankful for them for reaching out – for caring. Let me share a message I just received from my sister.

“The best thing you can do right now is do nothing. Let go and let God step in. Right now. Take a deep breath. Let your shoulders relax. As best you can. Give yourself permission to take this moment, this day, off. You don't need to do anything right now. The world will not end. Invite God in. Breathe. And appreciate how it is fresh air you breathe and not the poison dust off war. Saying thank you, feeling thankful... It brings you further from stress, closer to peace. And the very cells in your body and brain will respond. Look around you. Right now. And see fully how lucky you are. How amazing it is that God /universe has supported you to be in that space, that country, that environment right now.... And not dying in a war rubble...or from a disease. Feel the blessings. For they are real. And know that He will take care of you. And will "talk" to you. All you have to do right now, is give yourself  permission to do nothing. And invite Him in. ❤”

Yes. Thanks for the reminder.  I will get thru this as I have past dark hours. I am of the Light. I will return to the Light.  Let this dark hour become bright. Let there be light.

P/S When I started – the title for this was Dark Hour.  At the end of this, I have changed it to: Changing a "Dark Hour" to "Let there be Light"

Namaste – Peace,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 4

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my professor.)

I respect, honour, and love my Church. So too do I “blame” her along with my family for my now resentful attitude towards authority, law, and any other form of control that robs us of our freedom and, ultimately, our divinity. [I agree with this pairing of concepts.] Perhaps the word “blame” should not be used; a better substitute might be “owe” her. For indeed it is as a result of the rigid rules set by the Church and enforced mainly by my father that I have come to resent such restrictions on humans as much as I respect each individual’s right to freedom. Along with those resentments have come also an attitude to constantly question and seek [It may be that there are no ultimate answers or answer. It seems that it is our fate to keep asking questions AS FAST AS we come up with answers. So true, what my professor says. I don’t know if I agreed with him then, but I certainly see what he means today.] an answer to those questions.

Herein lies the core of my paper. The central theme that I wish to write about concerns the philosophy of life that I have come up with. Might I point out here at this stage that the conclusions that I have drawn are based primarily on my experiences, many though not all, as a result of questioning and seeking answers to those questions. Unfortunately, perhaps, I will probably be unable to list all my experiences that led to the various conclusions. The secondary source for my theories, ideas, and beliefs must surely come from my interaction with and observation of others, as well as reading. After the Self, that is my “Self,” has sieved through the many identities presented to me and I have encountered, consciously or unconsciously, I have come to where I am today. Much like Schumacher [not Michael Schumacher] then, I will attempt to present to you, at least a part of, my “map of life.” [Please be reminded this writing was over 2 decades ago. Much has changed now – and much has remained the similar.]

As with Schumacher, I am of the opinion that our Institutions (the schools, the Church, family, universities, etc.) fail to recognize the “invisible” in our world.  Society has been so caught up with the materialistic and the physical, that the metaphysical or “supernatural” which is of equal, if not greater, importance have been neglected. [Today I talk a lot more about the material world and the non-material world. Today’s language that I did not have back then.] Man has become a master in the art of, as Boorstin puts it, “… self-deception … hiding  ... reality from ourselves.”  [sounds interesting.] Like Boorstin, I too cannot describe “REALITY” but I do believe that what we are seeing are merely illusions [or at best – just one of many aspects of reality]. I do not imply here that the physical world is not in existence; they do exist but are “unreal.” Our perception of it renders it “unreal;” our perception of the world and of “REALITY” is at most only partially true. And so my philosophy of life, though encompassing more than this concept of “REALITY,” in this paper will be confined primarily to this area or idea.

To be continued …

Peace,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 3

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my professor.)

The fear of these beings called “gods,” however, did not deter me from my “mischievousness.” My [so called] deviant behaviours continued. When I returned to my family, a servant girl [nanny] was hired to look after me (supposedly to keep me out of mischief I guess was one of the reasons). I was “exiled” from the “mainstream” of the family (my parents, brothers, and sisters) and could only spend my time in the “upper-class” of the house during the day. At night, (I guess they, particularly my father, feared my growth of hair and fangs after sunset) I would be sent to the back of the house where I shared a room with the servant girl.  The nightly routine would always be that after dinner, I would be taken to the back room where I will go to bed while the servant would [help] do the dishes in the kitchen (the kitchen was located just next to our room [separating the back of the house and the front main parts].

Well on this one particular night, I went as usual to our room. Upon entering the room, I was horrified to see a face in the window. Until this day, that face still remains ever so vivid in my mind. Clearly then and now, I am still convinced that the face I saw was not that of a human being. “He” had long, golden bright, yellow hair; “his” eyes were burning red as they seemed to stare right into one’s very soul. “His” face, though not deformed and with a smile as well as other human features, could not have been human for “his” skin was glossy (shining) black and … (I do not quite know how to describe it). [The only thing I can compare this to is a “cartoon” character of a being I used to watch on tv – I think later when I grew up – known as Goldah (not sure if that is how you spell it though).] I was frozen at the spot; tried as I did to run, I could not. Neither could I scream or shout. I yelled out in my mind, and all of a sudden I heard footsteps from behind me. As if I was released from some spell, I turned quickly to glance behind me and then back to the window. “He” was already gone. The footsteps that came were those of the servant. How she heard me, if she did at all, I still do not quite know. Could it have been some form of telepathic call? [Or was it just mere coincidence?] I must have been terribly shaken and I guess she then put me to bed. I cannot recall the happenings of the following days, but I know it was from that day forth that I had become a disciple of the mystic and mysterious [I guess I was being a little melodramatic when I first wrote this. Perhaps a better way of describing that now is that from that event, I became intrigued with magical beings and the mysterious]. I am often surprised how easily people can “dismiss” the imagination. After all, every new idea, invention or whatever starts from imagination.]

As I was only a child of about five or six years old, I did not doubt what I saw and easily accepted the figure to be real, although practically everyone else who hears of it dismissed it as my imagination. (I did not realize then that that incident would change my whole life tremendously and that many years from that day, I would be given the opportunity to see “him” once again .. though when that time shall be I still do not know.) [

Unknown to me then, that day would mark my entrance into the occultic world. [Again – please disregard the melodrama of a young adult then (laughing). Nothing as drastic as the “occults” although it did mark my interest into many of the things others consider “mysterious” etc.] Contrary to the belief of many, involvement in the occults or the paranormal need not necessarily lead one away from one’s religion. In my case, it served only to strengthen my faith in a Supreme God. I belong to the Roman Catholic Churn, and I will always remain within the Church (unless of course I am ex-communicated, in which case I will, though out of the Church, continue to support and belief in her). [Ahh, I guess it can draw one away from one’s religion after all.  For today – I think the previous sentence requires much modification.] Catholicism, like all other religions, is by no means the only salvation. She is no more than a tool to help us build our faith, and through faith discover salvation. Religion is a concept; it is an approach. It is man’s way or attempt to define and understand the force inherent in nature, the mysterious and otherwise incomprehensible, or to some – God. And so because Catholicism is but merely a tool, so too with all other tools, we will find the Church not without disadvantages, or in this case, more appropriately, weaknesses or faults. But I do come from a Roman Catholic background, and do firmly believe that the Church originates from Christ through the Apostles. 

This, today, is more what I would say is true (for me).

The country from where I come (i.e., Malaysia) is one with many diverse religions. Although it is supposedly a democratic country and is said to have freedom of religion, even the blind can see that there are many forms of religious suppression in the country [although not near as bad as it is today]. Islam is the official religion of the country, and all other religions, although they still exist quite widely, are suppressed in more ways than one. I might add here, although I am sure you are already well aware, that no matter how much suppression there may be, religions and myths can never [quite] die. All society thrives on them (even in a communistic country as can be seen in China as well as in Poland). In fact, the more they are suppressed, the more persistent they will be. Such, perhaps, is the nature of man, or then this may be evidence to show the existence of a divine being. [I am not too sure what I am saying here now – looking back. Seems a bit unclear. But given my understanding, thoughts, and beliefs today – it does seem so paradoxical/ironical. The more you fight to destroy or suppress something, the more it lives. Perhaps the secret is not fight/suppress. Rather – the way to go is to accept, embrace, and then “let it go.”]

To be continued ...

Peace,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 2

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation.)

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On the way from Johore Bahru to Penang, we were to stop over in Seremban, my mother’s hometown. I do not know for sure if my parents had pre-planned this or not, but reaching Seremban it was decided that I would be left in the care of a widowed aunt.  I do not quite remember about the other kids in the family and so since I cannot recall having them around, I would assume that they were “privileged” enough to have travelled along with my parents. I remember now that many years after that incident, the subject of my staying with my relatives was raised and it was briefly mentioned that that was purely because they (my parents) were going to a new place and I, being the youngest then, should not be taken along as it could have been traumatic for me.  I somehow suspect that my mom, uncles, and aunts had decided that I should stay behind to keep from getting into my father’s way. [Actually – this was later verified in a conversation with my mom – years after I had written this paper. It wasn’t so much my father’s decision nor had he even deliberated on this.  More so a decision my mom along with her brothers, sisters, and in-laws had decided was in my best interest to stay back.  And in fact, I didn’t really stay back but rather travelled to Penang with the rest of the family only to turn back (almost immediately) to Seremban taken by my aunt – my mom’s eldest sister.]

Anyway, there in Seremban I stayed for a few years [I wrote in the paper a few years, but I was told later by my mom that it was only for one term. How time can be so distorted in the mind of a young child? To me, it certainly felt like it was for a very long time.  I remember so many events “growing up” in the care of this aunt and her children amidst many other uncles and aunties and cousins] not just with one family, but in a house with four uncles, three aunts and ten cousins. Well, staying with them did not turn me into a saint that is for sure.  I fought with my the youngest of my cousins constantly, accepted “stolen” milk powder and other tit-bits from older cousins, broke many of their toys, destroyed a number of expensive appliances, and most interesting of all, insisted on dating a girl (no older than I) who was our neighbour. It was just a short while after our few “dates” that I decided to proclaim us as “husband and wife.” We took an oath then to remarry again when we grew up [though today I do not know who she is, what her name was, or where she is]. Considering all those acts now, I cannot but insist that they were all “normal” and “natural” acts; behaviours that one could expect from any boy of two or three years old (except for those dates and the “marriage” .. but even that can be explained by an underlying need, even then, to do better than what I felt my parents, particularly my father, should have been). [In fact, in re-reading this and looking back to so many years now past – I am even more convinced that those were “normal” behaviours especially given the encouragement and reinforcement provided by my older cousins and other significant adults.  I am sure in their minds it would have seemed so “adorable” and “cute” to see these two toddlers engage in what seemed to be such “natural” and adult behaviour … i.e., dating and seeking to end that with marriage.]

It was here with my relatives that I learnt the existence of gods. Never before had I had the concept of a god or gods. [I am sure my parents – probably more so my mom – would have instilled in me the idea of God and the need to say our nightly prayers before going to bed etc.  Or at least I would like to think that would have happened – as we see in movies where parents tell their kids and even pray along with them each night before going to be. Maybe that is just a fantasy or a desire I have – to think I had that pleasant childhood the first two years of my life.  But I cannot remember if that did or did not happen.] Here, though I was never made to pray with them (I think kids were excused from having to pray), I did learn a great deal about their customs as well as their religion, which is Buddhism [perhaps a Malaysian version of Buddhism – as I later came to understand].

Although I was not forced into worshipping their gods, I had, however, to join in what is commonly termed as “ancestral worship.” Today I have come to understand that it is not so much “worship” as it is an offer of respect to the dead relatives; a “celebration,” perhaps, in honour of the memory or memories of one’s ancestors. It was also during this period of my life that I was taught (though I cannot remember by whom exactly) that it was sinful and against God [or more correctly – my birth religion] for me to believe in and pray to deities. Many of the myths connected to the Buddhist faith was related to me, and as a child I was quite confused and torn between believing in the God of my ascribed faith and the deities or gods that were almost as real as I was. My relatives served as a tremendous source of identities for me. Each relative in his/her own way, “pushed” his/her beliefs and fears into me [perhaps a better word is “influence” rather than push]. Influenced by these people who had become my significant others, I accepted, to a great extent, the existence of those beings, although I did not revere them nor did I worship them, I feared them and found all means to avoid facing their shrines and altars. The fear of offending these gods or deities was a constant part of my life then.

My beliefs in their existence were no longer imaginary. Although until then I had still not encountered any of those deities, the stories told to me were enough to make me believe in their existence. My imaginations or fantasies had become reality in a sense; what was abstract had become solid. The belief in their being persisted for many years to follow. In fact, even until today it is still believed that they do exist although my perception of their existence and being is quite different now [as to what or who they are or their purpose and function in relation to us].

(To be continued ….)

Peace,
Syl

History (Autobiography) - Part 1

I have been meaning to do this a long time ago - just seems the right time is NOW.  Over the next several entries, I am going to re-type a paper I wrote so many years back when I was an undergraduate student at Eastern Kentucky University pursuing a degree in Sociology with a minor in Psychology.  This was for an upper division course in Sociology entitled Self, Mind, and Society (I think).  Anyway, I found this old paper which I had kept away for all these years.  As I retype them, I will make some amendments as I go along with some of the stuff which may have been less factually correct when I first wrote it.  As best as I can, I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation.)  Also, (in italics) from time to time - there may be inclusion of comments/remarks/feedback provided by my professor for this course.  I don't know yet whether I will or will not as I have only read the first few pages of this paper (this time round) and do not know if what he said is relevant to my writing now or if they were just academic comments. At the end of this, there will be an addendum which is a comment (one page long - hand written comment which I will type in here - from another professor of humanities of mine, Dr. Neil Wright III).  Unfortunately, I've lost the cover page of this document. Hence I cannot recall the name given to this paper or the title of the original assignment.  I refer to this "adventure" or journey as my History or Autobiography - although I suspect it is not that at all - even though it contains a little about my past (i.e., my history or biography).  Anyway .. here goes:
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Looking through the New York Times dated January 28^th, I tried to paint a picture of the world as it was on that fateful day – the day I was born back so many many years ago. As I flipped through its pages, I am catapulted back in time to the day of my birth. Viewing the many impressions of that day, I realized that I had come into a world which was filled with sorrow and fear. From the articles in that paper, I learnt that even then (now decades ago) existed this threat of nuclear destruction. Americans, Britons, and Canadians were marching to New Zealand and Australia in the hope of escaping a nuclear war, an inevitable eventuality according to them.  In addition to that, I also learnt that there was also the fear that South East Asia would be taken over by the Vietcong. Communist insurgents were breaking forth not just in South Vietnam, but also in Cuba and other countries. With Russia and China pushing on the side of the communists, it almost appeared as though a global communist takeover would be eventual. The most striking and, perhaps, frightening discovery that I made from the New York Times concerns the war that almost broke out among the countries of Indonesia, Philippines, and Malaysia were it not for the intervention of the then U.S. Attorney General, Robert, F. Kennedy. Having read those articles, I now have an idea of just how cold and dark the world was when I entered her.

              But trouble did not just exist in the outer world. A lot of turmoil existed within my immediate world, my family. Just eight months after my birth, my father was sent to England by our government to do a study. He was stationed in England for a little over a year. And when he did finally come home, I was already two years old.  For that reason, I guess, he had always felt estranged from me even until the day he passed away. Besides that, I also suspect that both he and my mom wanted a daughter. Undoubtedly then, they must have been disappointed when they discovered I was not a girl. I think for those two reasons, if not for any other, I was always very distant as far as my father was concerned. I learnt many years later from my eldest brother, and subsequently from my mom, that my father had treated me rather badly all throughout my childhood.  I recall I was often made to feel like the “black sheep” of the family. He repeatedly (not without the help of my elder brothers) drilled into my mind, and I guess I must have internalized it, that I was mischievous and naughty. As Charles Horton Cooley would suggest, having accepted those labels and identities given to me, I became somewhat withdrawn from my family and involved myself with many delinquent behaviours. Edwin Lemert’s labelling theory too is demonstrated here. Having been labelled “mischievous” and “naughty,” I proceeded to behave as I was labelled. But all these also gave me much room to be by myself and, the now very much appreciated, time to have thought many things. Here then is one of the ways and reasons of how I got into the “study” of the occult, plus my fascination for philosophy and the paranormal. [I will have to break off at this point and continue with the subject of the supernatural further down.]

              As I mentioned earlier, when my father returned to Malaysia, I was already two years of age.  Soof after his return, by orders of the government (I just realized at this moment while I am writing – my obvious resentment towards the government) we were to transfer from Singapore to Johore Bahru (the city where I was born) which was about 10 miles from the city of Singapore. (I later found out – after the first writing that we weren’t actually transferred back to Johore Bahru; rather my parents decided to have be delivered in Johore Bahru so that I would remain a Malaysian citizen – guess they weren’t able to see the future for these two countries back then). Johore Bahru was a temporary stop for my father’s actual destination was to be the island of Penang, located at the north-west of the Peninsula of Malaysia.  For reasons known only to the government, we had been directed to move from one end of the Peninsula to her other end.

              Being the kid that I was, I naturally behaved like most other kids … jumping up and down, playing with whatever objects I could lay my “podgy” hands on (I was, even if I have to say so myself, a rather plumb and cute kid. Perhaps all those unpleasant experiences have resulted in to a slender [though not thin] me today – bear in mind this was written decades ago .. so whether I remain today slender or not is a matter of opinion.) I was the fifth child in the family, and by then one would expect that my father would have experienced enough to know that those were ‘natural’ behaviours (I hate to utilize the word natural or normal as they are very abstract concepts and are highly relative. One should not be able to classify an act as “unnatural” or “abnormal” simply because what is normal to one may not be so normal to another. Unfortunately for want of a better word, I will often be forced to use such abstract and relative concepts throughout this paper.) But my father did not treat them as natural. The sanctions he imposed on me were harsh to the extent where I am ALMOST tempted to say “unforgivable.” Perhaps this is [one of] the reasons why I ended up being closer to my mother; even closer, I would say, than any of the other five children (here I am tempted to go into explaining my deep interest in Sociology because it is in a way greatly due to this that led me into the study of Sociology. Perhaps, I will have to skip it for now and maybe I will be able to mention it later.)

To be continued ….

Peace,

Syl