Changing a "Dark Hour" to "Let there be Light"

Today – must be one of the darkest, if not the darkest day since I came to NZ over a year ago.  All I can think of is giving up and moving back to what seemed to be a saner life back in Malaysia. I know this will pass. Or at least that is what I want to believe. It has always done so in the past, so why should today be any different. But – I really don’t know.

 Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I here? It feels like I have walked into a Twilight Zone movie. I don't know where I am or what I am doing anymore. Everything feels so un-real.  It is like all of a sudden I have been envloped by some dark, very dark, cloud. I can't feel my way .. I can't see. I don't hear anything.  I feel like I am lost and with a million questions. What is my purpose?


Everything has suddenly become so meaningless. What's happening? One obstacle appears after another. I keep hitting on hard rock. Will this never end? It feels so hopeless. I feel so helpless. Why did I choose this path? Where is it leading me? I have lost my direction. Where is the light? Nothing is making sense. All I get is this internal urge to pack up and leave. But is this a "calling?" Or is it my fear? My running away? Will I give this up? Have I lost my faith? What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I waiting for?

There just seem to be so many obstacles along my path. It feels almost impossible to overcome them. All those positive reading – all those wise saying. Stay the course. Don’t stray. Change the path, not the goal. Find a way around the boulder. Dig a hole through it. Climb it. Go around it. They all sound so “right.” Yet … Feeling just so tired of the fight, the struggle, the I don’t know what. Everything just seems so dark and hopeless.  I want to just pack up and leave. Give up. Go back to, what now seemed like a better life – better times.

These are the times when I feel the most alone. There is no one to talk with – no one to vent to. It’s all darkness and cold (even though it is not cold outside). It is ironical that the sun is finally shining bright and it is actually a warm day out, but inside – there is just such coldness.

Part of my inner mind says: you can’t be writing these things down. You surely can’t post them – that’s for sure. What will be think? What will they say? And what about all the stuff that you so like to “preach.” Where’s your inner peace now? Where is your meditation? You self hypnosis? And then another part says: I guess I don’t care what people say? I shouldn’t anyway. So, if they don’t believe me any more, would that matter? I am not here to please anyone. I haven’t been doing what I’ve done to convince any other to my beliefs. I have only shared my life and my experiences. And if they help, that’s great. If they did not, it’s not my place to change another’s life.  So who cares if they read these and think differently. I am not writing to make others feel good. I am being me – being who I want to be.

Is this who I want to be – though? I think now. But right now – I am just being the best that I can be. Like anyone else – I am finding my way “home.” Trying to reconnect with the Source. And while I am not perfect (yet) .. I am moving in that direction. Or at least I believe I am.

And while there is no one physically around me right now for me to talk with – to vent to – to just pour out my soul, my insecurities, my fears, my anxieties – there are those who care who are but a few clicks away.  I received messages from my sister, my brother, and even my mom. There are always angels around.  If we but only open ourselves up to see. Surrender.  And let go.  Let go, and Let God.

There are so much to be thankful for. Indeed, I need to stop and calm my mind. Relax – and breathe in and out. Deeply and calmly.  God says: Let there be Peace. My grace shall be sufficient unto you.  Yes .. let there be peace, and let that peace begin in (with me) me.

Both my bro and sis offered a listening ear when they heard I was not having a good day. But I didn’t feel up to explaining what was going on. Heck, I don’t even know what is going on – other than there was a sudden envelope of darkness all around me.  I am thankful for them for reaching out – for caring. Let me share a message I just received from my sister.

“The best thing you can do right now is do nothing. Let go and let God step in. Right now. Take a deep breath. Let your shoulders relax. As best you can. Give yourself permission to take this moment, this day, off. You don't need to do anything right now. The world will not end. Invite God in. Breathe. And appreciate how it is fresh air you breathe and not the poison dust off war. Saying thank you, feeling thankful... It brings you further from stress, closer to peace. And the very cells in your body and brain will respond. Look around you. Right now. And see fully how lucky you are. How amazing it is that God /universe has supported you to be in that space, that country, that environment right now.... And not dying in a war rubble...or from a disease. Feel the blessings. For they are real. And know that He will take care of you. And will "talk" to you. All you have to do right now, is give yourself  permission to do nothing. And invite Him in. ❤”

Yes. Thanks for the reminder.  I will get thru this as I have past dark hours. I am of the Light. I will return to the Light.  Let this dark hour become bright. Let there be light.

P/S When I started – the title for this was Dark Hour.  At the end of this, I have changed it to: Changing a "Dark Hour" to "Let there be Light"

Namaste – Peace,
Syl