Part 8 - Autobiography (The Self)

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

For in TRUTH, there exists at least a dual reality: one the physical, and the other the spiritual/emotional [non-material]; the something and the nothing [nothing not as we understand it but rather – no thing meaning not a “thing” or not “material]; the real and the unreal; the rational and the [what appears to be] irrational. But because we are concentrated on the physical, we are thus handicapped to the spiritual. What is obvious and visible has blinded us to the “invisible.” All that I can say is that our perception of other will eventually lead us into discovering our “Selfs” – we might then eventually succeed in understanding the SELF.

Now to escape [move away] from the philosophical, I will move to the paranormal (actually there is hardly a distinction since they both exist in the same realm of the SOURCE.)  What has all that to do with my own life and how it is connected to the paranormal? Well, my involvement in the paranormal is that which has led me to discover such Truths (note of the when I use a word with only its first letter capitalized, I refer to the incomplete-ness and imperfection). For after I had become a disciple [does not equate to a devotee/worshiper but rather one who studies or looks into] of the mysterious, I sought out books supposedly to read, but never really did. Often I would take the books, hold them, flip through the pages, mentally extracting diagrams and sentences and ‘understand.” [in retrospect – today I would say these books found me rather than I sought them out or found them]. Then (when, I do not remember) I started using these ‘gifts’ that appeared psychic in nature. I used them, even abused them for a long period. Perhaps from the age of 8-9 until the age of 17, I ‘harnessed’ [used them frequently]. (I have chosen not to define and explain these gifts here in this paper for certain obvious reasons. I would, however, be willing to discuss these things sometimes called ‘gifts’ and occasionally ‘a curse.’) [As I re-write these now, I am tempted to branch out to talk more of those experiences and stuff I used to term as gifts or curses – but again, while I feel an urge to do so – I am also mindful that I want to complete this re-write NOW first .. and perhaps will revert to those terms past this re-write.]

I was about 16 [to 18 perhaps] when I started to dript from the Church. Then, how and when exactly I am not sure but this voice started speaking within me. [As I re-write this and even when I first wrote the above, I am very mindful of what I believe many “religious” will immediately assure that this drifting away from the Church and delving into the so called mysterious and later the “voice within” are all indicative of my soul being taken over by the Devil him/herself.] Again, I do not know how to describe it but I know it was different from the voice of my conscience. Similarly it was different for the voice of GOD [or what I would have then expected GOD’s voice to be]. In fact, now writing about it I recall ‘its’ first words to me: “I am in you as you are in me.” (strange how it came back to me all of a sudden) and my hair stood on its ends (as they do now too) [but not today as I am doing the re-write]. That voice was much later termed as my “master” [not as one who controls me but rather like a teacher – one who teaches and points the way]. He served to teach me many things about the world (my world) and of Life, about the philosophical as well as the supernatural.

Through many ups and downs, ‘he’ stood by me. In a way, ‘he’ helped bring me back to the Church and into believing in God [showing me that the Church was not what is bad or wrong – nor was it necessary good or right. Rather it is a ‘way,’ a tool by which we can access and return to the Source.] I always felt that ‘he’ was real (as in being real flesh and blood). I do not know for sure if he ever existed in the flesh but recently I somewhat changed my opinion and said he was a part of my world, and thus Real but did not exist in the flesh and blood. Perhaps my ‘master’ was like Sinclair’s Demian in Herman Hesse’s book Demian. [I think this is a good ‘hint’ as to what you are dealing with here.] As Hesse wrote:

“Demian is not actually a physical being, since he is never separated from Sinclair … In fact, Demian is Sinclair himself, his deepest self … Demian is the essential Self which remains unchanging and untouched, … Demian provides the young boy Sinclair with a redeeming awareness of the millennial being which exists within him so that he can overcome chaos and danger.” (Babcock, p.5)

To be continued …

Peace,
Syl