Negativity

Lately I have been reading on how we are all so socialized or conditioned into saying the worst things about our selves. We are so quick to announce our limitations like "Oh I can't do that," "I am no good at mathematics (or accounting or sales or whatever)," "I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it," and the list goes on and on and on.  Are these statements actually true?  Well, as I said - I have been reading a bit on this lately - and the author of the book I am reading says - we all reinforce the false limitations set on us by, perhaps, well meaning folks to such a point we truly seem incapable of doing the things we seemingly so proudly profess.  But in truth, perhaps those limitations are illusions.

Most people have heard of the question regarding the elephant and the rope I presume. If you have not it basically asks the question as to why the many elephants found around the world are usually only tied with a rope around their foot?  The simple answer is that these elephants, big as they may be, have been conditioned to believe they do not have the strength to run away because of that rope tied around their foot.  So, as a result they never try.

There is also the now famous story about Roger Bannister - the first man who made history by running the mile under four minutes. Prior to this, it was believed that it is physically impossible for humans to do that.  But believing it could be done, Bannister visualized his goal of breaking the 4-minute barrier relentlessly. In 1954 - he achieved that goal by running the distance in 3:50.4. No more than a year later, someone else following his lead too broke that barrier.  Today, there is no longer a seemingly impossible barrier marking the 4 minute point.  Even good runners at high schools routinely break that marker.

So perhaps our limitations (if not all - then at least most) are but a figment of our imagination.  We have come to belief in that limitation - and therefore they become a reality for us.  Richard Bach said in his book, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah: "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they are yours."

So back to the book I've been reading these past few days - I have been a wee bit more conscious of myself making these statements - such as "I am not good at sales," "I can't sell anything," "I am not good at details," and so on and so forth.  While being more mindful of this (within myself), it was interesting when I encountered others who are doing the same (i.e., being negative about themselves or putting themselves down).  A conversation with a friend yesterday went as follows (note this is a matter we've discussed hundreds of times in the past):

F:   I am no good la. No one likes me. I am just a problem for others.
M:  yayaya - PLEASE keep doing your best to describe yourself in the negative. you have to balance
      out all the positive things the world says about you, right?
F:   No one ever says any thing positive about me. NEVER.
M:  Sorry. I was being sarcastic. You didn't get that.
M:  As if we don't get enough negative comments and criticisms from others. Do we need to add to 
       that ourselves by joining in and being negative about ourselves?  It's because we keep doing that
       that's why our life remains as it is.  Negative. as long as you keep saying negative about yourself,
       things will remain the same if not get worse.
F:    I am just burden to others. I have less than 2 years to live. Especially when I feel stress and
       pressure - no passion in my life, then 1 year to go. Better end early. Less burden for people
       beside me.

Well - I won't finish the rest. You see where that is going, I am sure.  And I have no doubt most, if not all of you, have encountered people like that.  Perhaps you have been in that boat too.  It's called self-pity. Plain and simple - we say these things to get sympathy. We want the listener to say: no no no.  You are very beneficial to others. You have this talent, and that talent and this and that and this and that.  But alas after all is said and done, even if you may feel a bit better (and your listened is drained completely like a bunch of strained loss hair in the bathroom clog (or whatever you call that thing that stops the hair from washing down the pipes) - you go home and before long it all starts all over again.  Tomorrow is the same listener or another (because the listener from the day before is too self-fish or heartless and do not want to hear our whining. And the cycle repeats.

The reason that feeling of such worthlessness never seem to go away is because - we don't believe in ourselves.  Seeking sympathy  from others and praise and "encouragement" etc is only a temporary thing.  But the feeling of self-worth cannot come from the external.  Most things can't.  They have to begin from the inside.  If we don't love ourselves, no amount of loving from someone external is ever going to make us whole.

And why does that behavior of running and whining and moaning to another continue over and over again even though it may cause many people to run away from us? Because at some point, there was a reward - reinforcement.  Those kind (soft-hearted) souls who sat around and cried with us - reassuring us of our worth.  They made or helped make the act of moaning and whining so rewarding such that we go back over and over.  Like a drug or alcohol.  Those short moments enabled us to mask or pain and find temporary relief.  But there is no permanency in that UNLESS we start to accept what is said, and integrate the good feelings - and begin to change and grow.

We ought to stop and ask ourselves, who likes to hang out with people who do nothing but moan and groan.  If it is not about complaining about others or the weather or whatever, it is about putting one's self down.  "I am useless," "I am worthless," "No one likes me," etc.  DO you seriously enjoy being around such a person 24/7? No? How about just 8 hours a day for 5 days a week? Still no??  So what makes us think that people will love being with us IF we do the same thing?

I mean getting into a funk from time to time and being down right negative is normal I suppose.  We all have our bad days.  But if we are like that everyday of our lives, would it be a surprise is no one really wants to hang out with us? And then we will be saying "See. I told you. No one likes me" without ever once stopping to ask ourselves why that is so - if it is indeed so.

Someone asked me recently - should we avoid such negative people? Should we not care for them?  My answer sure.  Care for them, love them even. But it doesn't mean you have to stay around and be with them continuously.  Be a good friend or sibling or whatever - that's great.  Remember tho to also be a good friend (a best friend even) to yourself.  Take care not to hang around negativity without taking precaution to keep yourself healthy.  If it is too much, or the other does not appear to want to change for a better life (let them decide what their better is - perhaps they like to live miserably) - then we also have an obligation to take care of ourselves. And again - that is not being selfish.  At least that's my opinion. 


Don't get me wrong and think I am suggesting that we all just think only of ourselves. When we see someone in pain or crying or besieged with sorrow - RUN?  No no no.  I don't mean that at all.  Like I said earlier, we all have our bad days, and sure we should help when we can.  Yet at the end of the day, if you are faced with a person who - no matter what you say or do - seem bent on torturing him/herself - I am saying you owe it to yourself to put priority on your own wellbeing.  After all, you are worth it too, aren't you? When we deal with a sick person (as doctors and nurses do), they too have to wear a face masks at times.  This is to protect both parties really. To not infect the sick whose immune system may be weaken at that time.  But it is also to protect the care giver so that they do not contract something from the patient.  Similarly, help where you can when you can.  While doing that, do remember to also take care of yourself such that you do not get sucked into the pit of the other's self chosen misery.  If they do not listen - allow them to be where they choose to be - and do not be guilt laden when you move on to where you want to be.

Shalom.

Coincidence or Synchronicity?

For the paast two days I have been wanting to write in here, but everytime I get on the computer, it has been to do accounts.  The whole day, practically, has been spent on working out the accounts.  Last night ended around 2:30 AM. Oh how I resist this "chore," but I have to say playing on the Excel has had its moments of pleasure - joy even. And I think I am learning quite a bit on how to use this tool. So it's not too bad.  I just have to get into the "feel" of it - and I am sure there are benefits to what I am having to do.

Anyway - back to my "story."  My other story that is.

A couple of days ago I wrote about the lesson learnt - which was about acceptance (and I guess also respecting my self).  I have spoken (with others) often enough in the past about self love is not being selfish.  Though much have I spoken about this, it is still a "work in progress" for me. But then practically everything in our life is a work in progress, isn't it?

Interestingly enough, the very day after I wrote that blog entry - I picked up a new book to read the next morning when I went to have my breakfast.  And what do I find in that book? Well, some extracts from that book are as follow:

"Take charge of your life. You owe it to yourself to run your own life."

"Taking care of yourself is not selfish. The Bible says we should love our neighbors as ourselves. It does not say instead of or more than. Give yourself permission to treat yourself as someone special. Begin to set aside time to do some of the things you want to do for yourself."
(Jim Donovan. This is your life, not a dress rehearsal.)


Going into the next chapter - Donovan goes on further to talk about - Acceptance.  And I thought to myself, "hey, isn't that what I just wrote about yesterday?"  Seemingly - a coincidence (or more popularly called: synchronicity today - at least by fellow travellers on a similar path of growth and discovery).  Since I have often said I do not believe it coincidences, I have chosen to interpret this as the Universe reinforcing (or reassuring) me of what I had written the day before - as if to say "you are on the right path. Be confident and stride on."




I suppose today I will have to change my statement that there is no such thing as a "coincidence." Like all things, I suppose this is too is subject to our interpretation or how we define things.  When I say there is no such thing as a coincidence, I mean "nothing happens by chance" (which is the way most people define coincidence).  However, if I look at the word "coincidence" with a new interpretation or definition and see it as synonymous with "synchronicity," then certainly coincidences happen.  Things don't just happen.  They happen for a reason.

If you think about it, I am sure you can find moments in your life where you have experienced this. Talk about someone and out of the blue they call you up?  Thinking of a subject matter or topic, and an article about it or a book or a movie appears shortly after?  Thinking about starting a business venture or a project and a day later perhaps someone approaches you about an opportunity to do just what you had been thinking or talking about?  These are not occurrences for the select few.  We all experience this.  I believe,, similarly when we "pray" - the same thing happens.  Whether you believe in a God or many gods or the Universe, when you put your thoughts and your intentions out there - "the universe conspires to make it happen for you."

So what are you thinking of today? What do you want to do? Can you see the "coincidences" or synchronicities in your life? They are happening right NOW.  Perhaps even this blog entry is a "coincidence" for you?  Stop for a moment to breathe.  Take it easy.  Hold that silence for just a brief moment and listen. Listen to your inner self - your soul.  Perhaps he/she has something to say to you. And then look around your life, whatever is happening, perhaps you will see just what that synchronicity is for you.

Shalom



My lesson for today

As a sort of a follow up to the last post, time is still flying. Two days have come and gone - and I did not manage to get to post here. I wonder - will I ever reach a point that I will be able to get on every single day and make an entry at least once a day? And then I also wonder - why do I need to? Are there any rules to this? Of course not! We make our own rules. Do it if you like, and don't if you do not like.  Certainly we can make a goal for ourselves if we want - but for what reason, and how do we handle it when we make our goal or we do not. Well, each of us make those rules for ourselves as well I suppose.  And all these are just a part of our "freedom to choose."  So, I won't beat myself up for not being able to get on or even not wanting to write anything on some days.  Otherwise this would have become a chore and a must do .. and then I will be entangled in the web we are all so trained to do.

My lesson today - or at least one of them - a thought I have been pondering over for the past days: don't wait around for anyone; be yourself.  To be free, truly free, do what brings you joy and not let that joy be dependent on any person, thing, or event.  If you do, then that happiness is always external to you.

I look back over my life and realized that many of the times of unhappiness came around because I am waiting for this or that. And when they do not turn out as I had hoped or planned, that led to disappointment and anger.  One of the things I've learnt along the way also is that anger is a good camouflage for hurt. So - what happens during those moments of pain, disappointment, sadness, or hurt is a "blow up."  Being angry, raising voice, throwing tantrums even - they serve no one any good.  If you think, "well, it is venting and getting out of your system - therefore it should be good, right?" The answer is "NO." They can't be good cos it leaves the other also in pain and sometimes confusion.  You may have vented, but then it is followed up with "guilt."  There are the many, "I should have done this instead," "I shouldn't have said that," "Maybe if I had been clearer?" or one of the most common ones "It's my fault. I shall have no expectations - then all will be well."

But it is not all well.  Many say just be without expectations, and life will be great. If you don't expect, then you can't be hurt.  But can we really be without any expectations?  Perhaps and perhaps not.  I guess it is kinda like asking the question, "Can we be perfect?"  Perhaps we will not get to perfection, but that should not stop us from reaching for it, right?  Well - for me, I guess that is the answer for NOW.  While I may not be able to do away with all expectations, I shall learn to accept whatever the outcome.  When I go downstairs and start my car (ready to go out), I expect the car will be able to start just like it does every morning.  But when I press the start, and the engine fails to turn - why get mad? Screaming, shouting, kicking and cussing at the car is not going to make it move. So, then I have to accept the situation as it is and find a solution.  Call a mechanic, take a cab to where I need to go, and so on.  Wouldn't that be a lot better?

I also realize many of the painful moments come from expecting others to be how I think they should be.  They should behave this way or that way.  They should call me when they reach some place; they should tell me in advance if they are not available or cannot do somethings; they should not say they will do something if they do not intend to; they should be thankful for this or that; they should look for me instead of me always looking them up; and a million more of such.  But much of these pain and disappointment, can be done away with IF I only accept what the head has known for so long - and that is "I need to accept people as they are; I can express my opinion (and maybe not even that) and then respect their choices to be who they want to be."  I wrote the following on my FB timeline: "Stop expecting those you love to change to what you believe they should be. Even when they don't - accept them and love them anyway." And there lies the path to serenity (happiness).  Acceptance - accept what will be.  Many things are beyond our control, but how we feel and respond to them is entirely up to us.  Like with the car incident above, or when you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam (honking and banging on your steering wheel is likely not going to make a difference).  Accept where ever we are and whatever the situation.

If the Universe has brought us to that point, then there is a purpose for it. And even more than that, there is always a blessing within that which we will see if we but open up our hearts and look (instead of feeling miserable and filled with self-pity).

And so I intend (to strive towards) greater acceptance of individuals as they are and to stop expecting them to be who I want them to be or for them to behave the way I think they should.  I need to do for me what I feel is right and positive and healing. To not sit around and wait for this or that to happen - and just make plans for me without having the need to think if this is okay with someone else etc.  At some point it sounds so "selfish" but then I guess it sounds that way because we have been living that "lie" for so long.
Have you ever lived waiting for a message to be replied to? Or a phone call to come in? Or for another to meet up with you? And when they "let you down," you swear to yourself - I am never gonna be so foolish again. Next time I will just go with my own plans.  And then a month goes by and you live your life as you think you should (every now and then still waiting or hoping but doing so much better not just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring).  And then one day comes when you have plans and that someone calls - and now you are torn like "but I already have plans. Sorry ya?" And if you stick to your plans, you may be filled with guilt.  Or you may choose to change your plans to suit the late call.  I think this is common for many people.  But I also think that's why we all have so many scars in our hearts.

Today - I think (not as a reaction to pain and to take revenge) that truly we need to be kind to ourselves. Love ourselves. Do what we want and not sit and wait for others or events. Be free - to be who you want, to do what you want, to go where you want.  And if the world thinks your are selfish - well then let them be free to chose the thoughts that they want.  I can only be responsible for my own life and not worry about what any other think. Be kind to yourself does not mean to be unkind to others.

So there you go - my lesson for myself today.

Wishing you all peace and happiness in your own journey - today and everyday of your life.

Peace out.

Flying time again??

Totally missed out yesterday!  What's going on?  The day just flew by like that! And today? I started working on some accounts at around 9:30 AM .. next thing I knew it was about 1:30 PM.  My stomach told me I needed some food.  So I stopped for that briefly. And then back to the accounts.  And before I knew it - here we are!! Another day gone!!  OMG!  Time is really flying.

I always thought I did not like accounting - and I still don't.  So I guess it is not a matter of whether you like it or not - but when you are immersed in a project and really focussed - then time flies?? Perhaps that is what it is.

But anyway, the accounting is done.  The book is in order - and stocks all accounted for! So, THANK YOU for a fruitful day.

Didn't leave me much time to read up on stuff I wanted to.  But perhaps I will get to a little later.  For now - food for thought:

Are you enjoying what you are doing? And you invested? Interested? Not?? Then is time flying by for you? Or is it a drag - every minute a pain?

If you aren't enjoying what you are doing (and that doesn't mean without stress), then wouldn't you want to be doing something you would find more meaningful? More pleasurable?  If you would like to, then why are you still stuck where you are?  Think about it, will ya?

Approaching Death - Excitement or Anxiety

Have you ever considered what death would be like?  I wonder why so many people are afraid of it. Perhaps it is because it is the ultimate "unknown." And people just seem to be most afraid of the unknown?

I'd like to think of death as just another stage in "life" and that life is not limited to just our physical existence on this earth.  I am not talking about reincarnation - although that is all together possible. I am thinking more of other universe, other time lines, other realities - beyond what we deem as our one and only reality.

I would like to think of it as a peaceful passage into something greater and more wonderful.  I have to admit I am not sure if I can maintain this same idea when dealing with the loss of a loved one.  But time will tell.  For now, that's what I have in my mind.  Going somewhere beautiful and serene.

Have you watched the new tv series called Resurrection?  Sounds intriguing. An eight year old boy dies in a drowning accident and there reappears in China 32 years later (still as a little boy).  Now that's one interesting story.  Sad that it is on so late at night, but looks like a good show that just started last night.

Anyway - today was one of those days (I have had one or two in the past) where I thought - could this be my last day.  I guess something I ate just didn't sit right with me - and this morning I woke up to a not so pleasant message .. and an immediate reaction was the need to vomit.  Not a pleasant feeling in case you are wondering.  I am thankful I had enough strength to make it to the bathroom in time instead of spewing it all over myself or my bed.  I don't think I would have the energy to clean up the mattress today had that happened.  And I don't even want to think of how to go about cleaning it if I had to leave it soaking into the mattress for even a day.

Anyway, that and a few more rounds of that through out the day left me almost completely "useless" today.  Feeling almost drained - I started thinking "is this it then?" "When will they find my lifeless shell after I am gone?" etc etc.  There wasn't so much a fear of death itself though.  If anything, the only fear I think I can recognize is the mess it would leave for others after I am gone.  I would hate to leave problems to others.  How cool it would be if, like the American Indians of old - when the time is right, just hike out into the forest.  Sit under a tree. Close your eyes and depart in peace.

And then there are those stories of NDE (near death experience) where these folks come back and talk about meeting others on the other side. People known and loved .. waiting to receive you.  Wouldn't that be a great thing?  Well guess, we will not know until the time is ours to know.

For now, guess my mission is not yet done - and that means march on to do what I have to do.

Peace all.

Mid Year Resolution

"Alright. I know it is not the beginning of the year when most people will be frantically thinking of a "resolution" for the year.  Most of us do it "because everyone is doing it" or "it's just tradition."  Although this isn't the start of the year - but HEY, have you noticed we are almost at the mid-point of this year.  1 1/2 months to go, and June 2015 will be over.  So - how about we make a conscious choice to change something about ourselves or our lives for the second half of this year (2015 - in case you forgot what year we are in. I know it's really stressful right?)
Let's decide to do something NOW.  No not tomorrow or next week or next month.  Do it NOW.  There is no time like the present.
Just take a moment to think of what you want different in your life for the second half of this year.  I bet you - if you set your mind to it, you can definitely make it.  And by year's end - you will be so glad you did this. Go ahead. Do it NOW.  Take this New Opportunity for Wellness. :)"


Yeah, yeah - I know - someone you might have seen this on my Facebook site already.  But I think it is worth repeating.  Really!  Don't you think this year is just cruising on by?  Imagine we are mid way through May. Soon it will be mid 2015.  Half the year is over.

I've gotta ask myself - am I any closer to where I want to be? What I want to achieve? Who I want to be or be with??  I mean - we all have our goals and dreams.  There is always something we are chasing for, right? Are you any closer to that goal today than you were at the start of the year? Are things working out just as you planned?

If they are - that's GREAT!!! If they are not, do you think it might be a good time to regroup and reconsider? Perhaps change in strategy? Change how you do what you do perhaps?

Mind-Body Connection

For as much as our bodies manifest our conscious thoughts and feelings, so too they manifest the unconscious energies which underlie our every action.

To understand this bodymind connection, we first have to recognise that the mind and body are one.

Denying this bodymind relationship is ignoring the opportunity that the body gives us to look  at. accept and resolve our inner pain.

An illness is telling us that we need to stop doing something.

(Debbie Shapiro. Healing Mind Healing Body: Explaining how the mind and body work together.)

No personal comment from me today. Just some quotes that caught my attention while doing my reading for the day.

Good night to all.