Negativity

Lately I have been reading on how we are all so socialized or conditioned into saying the worst things about our selves. We are so quick to announce our limitations like "Oh I can't do that," "I am no good at mathematics (or accounting or sales or whatever)," "I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it," and the list goes on and on and on.  Are these statements actually true?  Well, as I said - I have been reading a bit on this lately - and the author of the book I am reading says - we all reinforce the false limitations set on us by, perhaps, well meaning folks to such a point we truly seem incapable of doing the things we seemingly so proudly profess.  But in truth, perhaps those limitations are illusions.

Most people have heard of the question regarding the elephant and the rope I presume. If you have not it basically asks the question as to why the many elephants found around the world are usually only tied with a rope around their foot?  The simple answer is that these elephants, big as they may be, have been conditioned to believe they do not have the strength to run away because of that rope tied around their foot.  So, as a result they never try.

There is also the now famous story about Roger Bannister - the first man who made history by running the mile under four minutes. Prior to this, it was believed that it is physically impossible for humans to do that.  But believing it could be done, Bannister visualized his goal of breaking the 4-minute barrier relentlessly. In 1954 - he achieved that goal by running the distance in 3:50.4. No more than a year later, someone else following his lead too broke that barrier.  Today, there is no longer a seemingly impossible barrier marking the 4 minute point.  Even good runners at high schools routinely break that marker.

So perhaps our limitations (if not all - then at least most) are but a figment of our imagination.  We have come to belief in that limitation - and therefore they become a reality for us.  Richard Bach said in his book, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah: "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they are yours."

So back to the book I've been reading these past few days - I have been a wee bit more conscious of myself making these statements - such as "I am not good at sales," "I can't sell anything," "I am not good at details," and so on and so forth.  While being more mindful of this (within myself), it was interesting when I encountered others who are doing the same (i.e., being negative about themselves or putting themselves down).  A conversation with a friend yesterday went as follows (note this is a matter we've discussed hundreds of times in the past):

F:   I am no good la. No one likes me. I am just a problem for others.
M:  yayaya - PLEASE keep doing your best to describe yourself in the negative. you have to balance
      out all the positive things the world says about you, right?
F:   No one ever says any thing positive about me. NEVER.
M:  Sorry. I was being sarcastic. You didn't get that.
M:  As if we don't get enough negative comments and criticisms from others. Do we need to add to 
       that ourselves by joining in and being negative about ourselves?  It's because we keep doing that
       that's why our life remains as it is.  Negative. as long as you keep saying negative about yourself,
       things will remain the same if not get worse.
F:    I am just burden to others. I have less than 2 years to live. Especially when I feel stress and
       pressure - no passion in my life, then 1 year to go. Better end early. Less burden for people
       beside me.

Well - I won't finish the rest. You see where that is going, I am sure.  And I have no doubt most, if not all of you, have encountered people like that.  Perhaps you have been in that boat too.  It's called self-pity. Plain and simple - we say these things to get sympathy. We want the listener to say: no no no.  You are very beneficial to others. You have this talent, and that talent and this and that and this and that.  But alas after all is said and done, even if you may feel a bit better (and your listened is drained completely like a bunch of strained loss hair in the bathroom clog (or whatever you call that thing that stops the hair from washing down the pipes) - you go home and before long it all starts all over again.  Tomorrow is the same listener or another (because the listener from the day before is too self-fish or heartless and do not want to hear our whining. And the cycle repeats.

The reason that feeling of such worthlessness never seem to go away is because - we don't believe in ourselves.  Seeking sympathy  from others and praise and "encouragement" etc is only a temporary thing.  But the feeling of self-worth cannot come from the external.  Most things can't.  They have to begin from the inside.  If we don't love ourselves, no amount of loving from someone external is ever going to make us whole.

And why does that behavior of running and whining and moaning to another continue over and over again even though it may cause many people to run away from us? Because at some point, there was a reward - reinforcement.  Those kind (soft-hearted) souls who sat around and cried with us - reassuring us of our worth.  They made or helped make the act of moaning and whining so rewarding such that we go back over and over.  Like a drug or alcohol.  Those short moments enabled us to mask or pain and find temporary relief.  But there is no permanency in that UNLESS we start to accept what is said, and integrate the good feelings - and begin to change and grow.

We ought to stop and ask ourselves, who likes to hang out with people who do nothing but moan and groan.  If it is not about complaining about others or the weather or whatever, it is about putting one's self down.  "I am useless," "I am worthless," "No one likes me," etc.  DO you seriously enjoy being around such a person 24/7? No? How about just 8 hours a day for 5 days a week? Still no??  So what makes us think that people will love being with us IF we do the same thing?

I mean getting into a funk from time to time and being down right negative is normal I suppose.  We all have our bad days.  But if we are like that everyday of our lives, would it be a surprise is no one really wants to hang out with us? And then we will be saying "See. I told you. No one likes me" without ever once stopping to ask ourselves why that is so - if it is indeed so.

Someone asked me recently - should we avoid such negative people? Should we not care for them?  My answer sure.  Care for them, love them even. But it doesn't mean you have to stay around and be with them continuously.  Be a good friend or sibling or whatever - that's great.  Remember tho to also be a good friend (a best friend even) to yourself.  Take care not to hang around negativity without taking precaution to keep yourself healthy.  If it is too much, or the other does not appear to want to change for a better life (let them decide what their better is - perhaps they like to live miserably) - then we also have an obligation to take care of ourselves. And again - that is not being selfish.  At least that's my opinion. 


Don't get me wrong and think I am suggesting that we all just think only of ourselves. When we see someone in pain or crying or besieged with sorrow - RUN?  No no no.  I don't mean that at all.  Like I said earlier, we all have our bad days, and sure we should help when we can.  Yet at the end of the day, if you are faced with a person who - no matter what you say or do - seem bent on torturing him/herself - I am saying you owe it to yourself to put priority on your own wellbeing.  After all, you are worth it too, aren't you? When we deal with a sick person (as doctors and nurses do), they too have to wear a face masks at times.  This is to protect both parties really. To not infect the sick whose immune system may be weaken at that time.  But it is also to protect the care giver so that they do not contract something from the patient.  Similarly, help where you can when you can.  While doing that, do remember to also take care of yourself such that you do not get sucked into the pit of the other's self chosen misery.  If they do not listen - allow them to be where they choose to be - and do not be guilt laden when you move on to where you want to be.

Shalom.