Wandering Thoughts

Wandering thoughts - are they "useless" and/or "worthless?" More than that, are they negative and destructive even?

Well, I guess that depends on one's perspective. Like everything else, it is not so much a matter of what is "happening" to us. Rather it is how we respond to "what is happening."

As I was watering my plants on my balcony this morning, I found myself thinking:

Look at how some of these plants are growing. Lately they seem to be doing better than usual. Perhaps it is because I do not feel "rushed" as I water them and prune them (clear out dead leaves etc) as I may have been doing (albeit without awareness") in the past. Not that I have an extremely busy life now - being "semi-retired" and all. However, pre MCO (movement control order) days - there were appointments and responsibilities to fulfill each day. While there are still some of these the "not having to go out" does afford one a little bit more "leisure" time - to go a bit slower not needing to account for travel time, energy to unwind once back home, or to re-build the momentum started earlier with one's particular activity or project.

From the thought of - look at how well these are growing, my mind wandered to the next thought which was: will I live to see them reach their potential? Will they out live me? Before you guess these thoughts lead to a sense of morose - let me just say they didn't. Or at least they did not seem that way to me.

In the midst of that thinking - I began noticing my thoughts: what I am thinking or, where they were leading me, if there is a purpose to the thinking, what use is there - if any - for these thoughts?

This, I believe is the beginning process of the mind becoming awaken or aware. The being in the NOW. The becoming the observer rather than the thought. Being both observer and observed. Not one or the other - but both. A sort of "detachment" if you will. (Some might start to describe this as a "dissociation" - tho I'd like to think this is not necessarily a bad or negative thing.)

So, I start to notice - hey, what's the purpose of this thinking? Is it something beneficial to you? Is this all just a waste of time - as in you can be doing so much more instead of wasting time (1) thinking these things and (2) watering plants and trimming them etc. Aren't there books you want to write? Projects you want to complete? Programs you want to design?

As often the case - a dialogue takes shape in my mind. And those questions receive a respond that goes something like the following:

Well, doing what I am doing gives me a sense of purpose - a sense of pleasure even. I take joy in seeing the plants grow. Keeping the mini balcony garden look neat. Bringing to the earth - new life. Contributing in some sense to mother earth. More greens, more oxygen, and in the process maybe even some food (physical nourishment) that will come from some of the produce. And if they out live me - so what? The purpose of growing them, while may partly be that they contribute to my "tomorrow" - that is NOT the sole purpose. It is not in the "end result" but the process or "journey" that one finds joy, meaning, and fulfillment.

We are all living in this moment in time. Thinking of yesterday only may bring about sense of regret and sadness (of what once used to be, of the things not done or done but regretted, and so on). Living entirely with the focus on tomorrow (what to do, what will happen etc) may lead to a sense of anxiety. So, just take pleasure in the moment - the NOW. For that is all we truly have. Tomorrow, this will be the past - and that moment (tomorrow) will be our NOW.  Every moment in time - this is true. As soon as the word has been written or spoken, the action taken - it has become the past.  Every NOW is filled with potential - to do anything possible right in front of you. Every step is fulfillment of that potential. Every thought and action is in the mechanics of creation.

This dialogue then led me to thinking - I should finish up here and go write this down. It is an "opening" for me. A lesson learnt. Tho it may not seem to be of any "great" relevance to another - but it is to me.  And that is good enough.

Almost immediately this is followed up with a "oh don't bother. You won't write (type) this out. It will just use up more time. What's the purpose anyway? You think anyone cares to read it? ... etc."

I wasn't quite sure I would eventually write these thoughts down. I will have to finish up what I am doing. Go downstairs to my "workspace," boot up the computer, open the page and start typing. And what will I write? How do I start? What do I title it. No idea.

But I did finish up. I came down. Started of the notebook etc - and here I am writing. Being in the NOW. Doing what I want to do. Responding to the gentle urge prompting from within.

Are the meandering or wandering thoughts earlier, useless? I would wager - they are not. If the thoughts lead to simply worrying, feeling anxious, regretting, and worse hating oneself - perhaps. But if the thoughts led to some insight, to actions that go towards one's well-being - then they were there for a purpose. A function. And a good one at that. If they led to a sense of greater understanding of self, an awareness, and a sense of fulfillment - then wandering thoughts, in and of themselves, are not necessarily "bad," "negative," or "worthless."

Let not your thoughts scare you or disable you or trap you in an endless cycle of just "thinking." Be the observer of your thoughts. Appreciate their presence. Accept their gifts. Let them prompt you to action. Action that can broaden your mind, increase your understanding of self and others, and find fulfillment and contentment.



My thoughts for today (or rather for this moment NOW).

Peace to All. Namaste.

Starting Over

Wow - truly in the blink of an eye, time has flown on by. It looks like I have been away from my writing here for over 3 years NOW.  And - so much has happened in these 3 years. So many major changes.

OMG!! How I have aged over the last 3 years.

Like many across the globe, I've been "confined" to my home amidst this pandemic that has brought havoc to the lives of so many. It's approximately 3 weeks NOW have being "locked down" (tho it is not a full lock down - just restricted movement). We have been informed the authorities will announce tomorrow if this MCO (Movement Control Order) or RMO (Restricted Movement Order) will be extended for a second time.

Today's entry will just be very brief. Let this just be the mark of my return to blogging - writing - contemplating - reflecting - learning - growing - sharing and simply living & being.

Peace everyone,
Syl

This is a more accurate representation of me - taken just yesterday 8 April 2020. No doubt aged even more due to the current Covid-19 situation.

A new journey begins - NOW

As it was before - although I think about getting on and writing in this blog practically everyday, I still don't have that down to a pattern of behavior or a habit yet. Perhaps one day I will - and then again, perhaps not.


Anyway, since I have some time on my hands today - while waiting for a friend to come give me a ride to the airport, I decided why not? Maybe just drop a few lines in here as I begin yet another journey.

In less than 24 hours - I will be standing on the soil of the land of my birth. Quite exciting really. This time - I am going back and not sure if it will be for good or not. Well, it won't be the first time I just up and leave everything I have behind. Though I doubt it will be so this time around. However, it might be the trip where I hope I will be able to come to some final decision on whether I will choose to emigrate to NZ or start the process of going back "home."

I have been going back and forth on this for some time really. Somehow the appeal of staying or living here is no longer as great as it was before I came. It's not so much that I don't like it here. Considering the possibilities - I suppose there are advantages and disadvantages either way. Staying on or moving back. Perhaps it is the person that I am - never being able to set my roots any where and getting restless rather quickly. Perhaps, it is a form of escapism and a flaw. Or one can see it as a positive thing where I feel (or allow myself to be) fluid and allow myself to be as flexible as I can - moving with my heart and where it prompts me to go. Sort of a "go with the flow" thing.  I really don't know - and perhaps I will never know until the end of time (my time that is). And perhaps I don't need to know - but just treasure the opportunities life affords me.

I must say - I am thankful for the past year. In fact, I am thankful for all the years I have been given .. doing, for the most part, what I like.  How many people would have loved the opportunity to be able to up and move to a new land and live there for a year. I've done my year here - and it has given me much experience. I've met many new people and have now more good friends. If nothing else, that would be enough to mark the past year as having been a great year - a great adventure - a great journey.  I am deeply thankful for that.

But my heart is "scattered." In some ways - I want to be there .. and on the other hand, I also want to be here. I think I just have a restless soul. That tells me - I haven't quite reached my goal - of bliss. Well that's obvious, right? If I have indeed reached my goal - wouldn't this life be over? As they say, it ain't over until it's over.

So - today begins a new journey. I am not sure how long I will be away - but I am sure I will experience new things - think new ideas .. and will take it from there.  In some way, that's pretty exciting watching life unfold as I know it should.  I don't know what lies ahead - but I am ready to move on forward. Everyday can be the beginning of a new journey.

Hope to be able to continue this after I reach "home."

Peace,
Sylvester

Part 9 - Autobiography - Conclusion

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

As with Sinclair, I too perceived this special being to be of a physical existence. But at the end – Sinclair learns, as do I though in a different way, when Demian approaches him and instructs him never to seek Demian ‘physically’ again but rather “Look for me within yourself.” (Babcock, p. 6) And so I say, as Herman Hesse said, that there exist within each of us a ‘Demian,’ our Self. We need to journey into our inner world to discover and learn about this Self in order to correct our lives, and help us overcome chaos and dangers. Carlos Castenada’s Don Juan is yet another example [Yes, another interesting allegory about who you are dealing with] of a Sinclair, or even of myself, a being who transfer “to a source apart from himself the realization experienced in plumbing the depths of the psyche.” (Babcock, p. 77) Babcock herself puts it as: “There is great danger in seeking Self, and attempting to communicate with one’s unconscious. But it is a path that must be taken if one’s potential is to be fulfilled and consciousness is to be expanded.” (Babcock, p. 77) Concerning each individual’s duty I mentioned earlier, Hesse says, “An enlightened man had but one duty – to seek the way to himself, to reach inner certainty, to grope his way forward, no matter where it led.”

Thus once again we see, the necessity to make that inward journey, the journey into the Self as we understand others, our Self’s, and ultimately the Source. I could probably go on and on in this task that is interminable but to what avail? If granted the time to do as I please, I would, of little doubt, continue this work of writing this paper. But alas such is not given me at this moment. In drawing to a close let me say still that while I may feel that I have an insight to TRUTH, it is (as said much earlier) not for me nor any other to preach and teach the WAY. Neither I nor anyone else can ‘give’ another the SOLUTION. [Good. I agree.] Writing hundreds of books on this matter (writing this is one of my ambition incidentally) will not serve the purpose or fulfil our task duty or mission. And if we do write the books, it is not to teach the TRUTH, but rather to encourage and inspire one to have the yearning to understand and thus to make the [his/her own] journey. [Good attitude to apply this that way.]

As Jung wrote in his letter to Serrano: “people in our world who have insight and good will enough, should concern themselves with their own ‘souls,’ more than preaching to the masses or trying to find out the best way for them … everybody teaches everybody, and nobody seems to realise the necessity that the way to improvement begins right in himself” (Babcock, p. 164). Yes, indeed, for “The Self is not known through the study of scriptures, nor through subtlety of the intellect, nor through much learning; but by him who longs for him is he known. Verily unto him does the self reveal his true being” (Shin, p.6).

In answering the final questions as required for this paper, I will attempt to answer it in light of my understanding of the question. [Yes, you understand what I was asking for.] If the final question is what must I do to close possible futures, and realize the possibilities of the present, my answer would be as stated over and over again above – to seek one’s Self; to make the journey into the interior. While I still possess the freedom to choose (in a sense) in a way, I have also given up that freedom. The very day I took the role of being a disciple of the mystic, my possible futures were then closed. Opened to me now is to discover the Truth and to serve in alleviating the pains of man (all pains are caused by lack of TRUTH) [or in today’s terminology I would rephrase that to all pains are caused by our disconnectedness to the SOURCE].

I had intended to write a lot more matters like for example, concerning my master who served as a great source of identity for me. Similarly, I wanted to describe how my change of life affected the lives of my close friends, my way of thinking had influenced them to a large extend and continue to have effects on them even this day. However, this has always been a foe. Until I can understand time too, realizing my full potential and possibilities for the present will continue to be hindered. In concluding, let me extract some words relevant, I feel, to one’s duty and future:

“I have often speculated with images of the future, dreamed of roles that I might be assigned, perhaps as a poet, or prophet, or painter, or something similar. All that was futile. I did not exist to write poems, to preach or to paint; neither I nor anyone else. All of that was incidental. Each man had only one genuine vocation – to find the way to himself. He might end up as a poet, a madman, as prophet or as a criminal – that was not his affair, ultimately it was of no concern. His task was to discover his own destiny – not an arbitrary one – and live it out wholly and resolutely within himself.” (Babcock, pp. 77-78).

[I very much enjoyed talking with you this semester and reading your paper. I hope you continue with what you are doing, it is a “project” that not many come to but as you say, all are capable of in one way or another. I would be interested in continuing in conversation – with you along the way.]

[Sylvester, I am curious about the face you saw in the window as a child. Is this the face of your “master” or is it your own projected self? I am also in agreement with your view that the so-called external world (or our perception of it) is unreal. It is the SELF then that is REAL, and there are many such SELVES so that we clearly belong to an extended REALITY, perhaps even an infinite REALITY. Your father too is REAL, though it is apparent that you never knew HIM, only the “him” that never knew YOU either I think your estrangement from HIM may be a cause for your journey inward (most educate themselves outward despite the advice of the sages!) I would like to speak with you again about this.  ~ NW III]

This concludes the paper I wrote over 30 years ago!! Much has changed since then, and yet much remains the same (or similar). While I believe not only has my body (my physical incarnation) grown and aged - my emotions, my thoughts, and my beliefs have also evolved. Perhaps, in the following days - I will be able to write down more of what I am thinking or feeling as well as all those "side tracks" that I wanted to embark on during the paper but did not do.  I am still of the belief though that all these writing and articulation are for the purpose of my own growth and development rather than to present a truth or a path that is required for others to pursue and/or believe. We will all have to do our own inward journey - to find ourselves, and none of us can dictate to another the way that is for them.

Namaste,
Syl

Part 8 - Autobiography (The Self)

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

For in TRUTH, there exists at least a dual reality: one the physical, and the other the spiritual/emotional [non-material]; the something and the nothing [nothing not as we understand it but rather – no thing meaning not a “thing” or not “material]; the real and the unreal; the rational and the [what appears to be] irrational. But because we are concentrated on the physical, we are thus handicapped to the spiritual. What is obvious and visible has blinded us to the “invisible.” All that I can say is that our perception of other will eventually lead us into discovering our “Selfs” – we might then eventually succeed in understanding the SELF.

Now to escape [move away] from the philosophical, I will move to the paranormal (actually there is hardly a distinction since they both exist in the same realm of the SOURCE.)  What has all that to do with my own life and how it is connected to the paranormal? Well, my involvement in the paranormal is that which has led me to discover such Truths (note of the when I use a word with only its first letter capitalized, I refer to the incomplete-ness and imperfection). For after I had become a disciple [does not equate to a devotee/worshiper but rather one who studies or looks into] of the mysterious, I sought out books supposedly to read, but never really did. Often I would take the books, hold them, flip through the pages, mentally extracting diagrams and sentences and ‘understand.” [in retrospect – today I would say these books found me rather than I sought them out or found them]. Then (when, I do not remember) I started using these ‘gifts’ that appeared psychic in nature. I used them, even abused them for a long period. Perhaps from the age of 8-9 until the age of 17, I ‘harnessed’ [used them frequently]. (I have chosen not to define and explain these gifts here in this paper for certain obvious reasons. I would, however, be willing to discuss these things sometimes called ‘gifts’ and occasionally ‘a curse.’) [As I re-write these now, I am tempted to branch out to talk more of those experiences and stuff I used to term as gifts or curses – but again, while I feel an urge to do so – I am also mindful that I want to complete this re-write NOW first .. and perhaps will revert to those terms past this re-write.]

I was about 16 [to 18 perhaps] when I started to dript from the Church. Then, how and when exactly I am not sure but this voice started speaking within me. [As I re-write this and even when I first wrote the above, I am very mindful of what I believe many “religious” will immediately assure that this drifting away from the Church and delving into the so called mysterious and later the “voice within” are all indicative of my soul being taken over by the Devil him/herself.] Again, I do not know how to describe it but I know it was different from the voice of my conscience. Similarly it was different for the voice of GOD [or what I would have then expected GOD’s voice to be]. In fact, now writing about it I recall ‘its’ first words to me: “I am in you as you are in me.” (strange how it came back to me all of a sudden) and my hair stood on its ends (as they do now too) [but not today as I am doing the re-write]. That voice was much later termed as my “master” [not as one who controls me but rather like a teacher – one who teaches and points the way]. He served to teach me many things about the world (my world) and of Life, about the philosophical as well as the supernatural.

Through many ups and downs, ‘he’ stood by me. In a way, ‘he’ helped bring me back to the Church and into believing in God [showing me that the Church was not what is bad or wrong – nor was it necessary good or right. Rather it is a ‘way,’ a tool by which we can access and return to the Source.] I always felt that ‘he’ was real (as in being real flesh and blood). I do not know for sure if he ever existed in the flesh but recently I somewhat changed my opinion and said he was a part of my world, and thus Real but did not exist in the flesh and blood. Perhaps my ‘master’ was like Sinclair’s Demian in Herman Hesse’s book Demian. [I think this is a good ‘hint’ as to what you are dealing with here.] As Hesse wrote:

“Demian is not actually a physical being, since he is never separated from Sinclair … In fact, Demian is Sinclair himself, his deepest self … Demian is the essential Self which remains unchanging and untouched, … Demian provides the young boy Sinclair with a redeeming awareness of the millennial being which exists within him so that he can overcome chaos and danger.” (Babcock, p.5)

To be continued …

Peace,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 7 (What is REAL?)

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

I think this shouldn't be titled as Autobiography. Only Part 1 seemed to have been touching on that. The rest are (were) more about how I see the world or my beliefs. I suppose – it speaks more of how my present day views/perceptions/beliefs came to be. I will have to consider changing the title ..

But one will then ask, “What is this all about? What does it mean to be unreal? Who do we perceive things around us ‘wrongly’? Well, we learn that the philosopher Abraham Heschel said that “each life harbours a mystery.” Each one of us holds a mystery in our lives and yet all our mysteries put together is only a fraction of the whole MYSTERY which is the SOURCE [or God, as some may term] (“God / SOURCE is the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts”. – Babcock) And just as we hold a mystery, so too do we possess individually our very own purpose or duty [dharma]. Thus, I think, it would be incorrect to say that our perception is wrong. [incomplete perhaps would be more accurate.] Let us examine our second diagram [below]:

[There is no contradiction or conflict here with Interpretive Sociology or its philosophical background. What Interpretive Sociology, especially the “branch” called Symbolic Interactionism, does is look at and study how people communicate about their different realities, how they negotiate a common understanding about them and about such things as God and REALITY.]

Diagram 2

Each of our World is a ‘pattern.’ But beyond this pattern, encompassing all is a greater ‘pattern,’ a ‘divine plan’ …thus Pirsig [my professor didn’t know I had apparently already read the book he was recommending to me in his earlier comment] described it (the divine ‘pattern) as larger than his son and himself (Robert Pirsig). Then Langness and Frank talks about a template which is provided by a “prior structure of personal identity” (p. 109) or as C.G. Jung calls it “a preconscious knowledge” (Babcock, p.1) – all these leading us back to the idea of being an extended-being of a greater being termed earlier, and in this paper, as the SOURCE. Again we have returned to the SOURCE. We will try to avoid being caught up in that and return to the question of why the individual possess an incomplete perception of REALITY. In answer to that I return to my earlier statement of each individual having a purpose. Our very purpose in life is to unravel the mystery of the Self or of Life.

Now, what ‘self’ am I referring to at the present? We will deal first with the Self = World (our own) = Reality; after all our World is our Life. Turning back to the quotes made earlier (taken from Schumacher’s book) and by various wise men of old, we find the universal and timeless advice of seeking one’s Self, of journeying into the ‘within.’ I still have not answered the question? Well, [if you will] examine what I wrote in page 12 of this paper: [this would be in Part 5]

Yet the understanding of the without is an attempt to understand the within. That accounts for our incomplete perception. As we attempt to understand ourselves, (perhaps unconsciously) we inadvertently project ourselves into others. [There is no doubt that this psychological phenomenon occurs. We also “project” onto our society in an analogous way, that is we are a “part” of and creator of our own society through our actions with others. In our attempts to understand our society it is also useful to look “within” our own consciousness and within our own relationships.] 

We see them as we want to, and often not as they really are. We even resent in them what we hate in ourselves. Thus we detest the faults we see in others (faults which may or may not really exist in them) for the very same faults we have ourselves but consciously are unwilling to acknowledge or recognise. I realize my answer is [may be] imprecise and perhaps very unclear but that is precisely the point .. for were I able to define and answer precisely, then I would have succeeded in unravelling the total MYSTERY. Yet, that for me, and for many others, is impossible while we are still hindered by our body or physical reality [more precisely – while we still hold on to the physical world as if this is the only Reality].

To be continued ….

Peace to all,
Syl

Autobiography - Part 6

NOTE: I will indicate the new inclusions (which may also be current thoughts in italics and blue to differentiate this writing from its earlier incarnation. Those in italics and green are comments made by my grading professor. Those in italics and purple are comments made by my Humanities professor whom I shared this paper with.)

In an attempt to write a paper such as tis, it is most difficult, even impossible, not to include however briefly, the ontological concept. Since it is not the primary purpose of this paper to deal with the question of whether there exist a divine being, I will try my best to avoid falling into the discussion of whether a god in the form of a REAL being exists. However, allow me here to bring in a diagram we have already used and discussed in class, and skim through, if at all possible, the part that deals with this idea of a god.

Diagram 1

From Diagram 1, we see right in the middle is what is termed the SOURCE, SELF, NATURE, FORCE, OR GOD … or whatever other names have been given IT/HIM/HER. From this SOURCE comes forth or is “created” beings (we will deal herewith only two human beings). The dotted line connecting the SOURCE with each being, be it Adam, Eve, or whoever else, indicates our relationship and, hence, access to the SOURCE of LIFE, TRUTH, KNOWLEDGE, … etc. (thus it was mentioned earlier that all man [woman] are equal; all being a part of this SOURCE and having the same potential in accessing and becoming this POWER or FORCE.

Moving from this SOURCE we will proceed to the “extended” being; a part of that SOURCE, never equalling IT, but always an extensification [I don’t know how I came up with such a word. Apparently it doesn’t exist – but it was in the original text so I have maintained that.] from IT. From this extended being, called Adam, is projected his World, Self, and Reality (all actually being one and the same). In his World (his patterns), exists another being called Eve. To him, Eve is real and rightfully so since Eve exist within his Reality. Eve to him, then, is a source of identity. He sees himself as the “I” in his World and his personality is symbolized by the “Me.” However, to our left we have Eve. She too is a Real being; an extensification from the SOURCE [independent of Adam]. Like Adam, she has her own World, Self, and Reality. And rightfully too, she sees in her world another being called Adam who is all real and solid. As I said, rightfully so that each should see the other in their own individual World as being real, but I said much earlier that what we see are unreal or perhaps I should use unreal. While they do exist [independent of each other] (we will not deal with the ontological issue here), they are still unreal.  Again I stress that being unreal does not constitute non-existence. As TRUE-beings, they are unreal only because of Adam’s [or Eve’s] incorrect or imprecise perception of Eve and vice-versa. Therefore, each hold a part of REALITY but never total REALITY; a part of the SOURCE, but never equalling IT, but always an extensification of it. The “Self” is one measure of the ‘WHOLE’ that is the same in each and is of the quality of the ‘WHOLE’ (Babcock, p. 7).

[I highly recommend the following book to you. (It is not about working on motorcycles, but about values and quality.) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig.]

To be continued …

Peace
Syl