My Journey to New Zealand - Conclusion

Again - approximately a year later (well a year and a month actually – how interesting that each round it took a year and a month), it was time to move on. The journey begins (tho some would have said that the actual journey had already taken place 2 years earlier).

Without really knowing or recognizing it – steps had been taken, choices made .. and the adventure was already unfolding. My inner self or deeper self or higher self – however you would want to label it – had already started making the necessary steps toward this goal.

Somewhere at the end of 2014, I made a decision to step down from my position as part of the management team in the university I worked at.  I took on the role of lecturing in two classes in Psychology instead. And for the next semester that became my task/occupation.

Around that time, I had also mentioned to a friend about selling my house – and it seemed like within weeks there was already a buyer (although I had expected it to take a lot longer to do this since the market was not hot for sale of property). By the time the semester ended, the house sale was also almost complete. With everything seeming to fall in place, I decided to leave my job completely. And upon selling the house, I made the transitional move to leave KL and headed south back to my mom’s home. There I would reside for the next half a year.

At this point I made another decision: to pursue a further education by enrolling in a post graduate program in NZ.  This would be for just a year.  That would give me the opportunity to be there, experience life, and determine that this was not just a momentary fancy or as some had described as a “mid-life crisis.”  So preparation to select a university, the appropriate program and so forth started. Again – this wasn’t a clear cut everything falling into place type situation. There were the usual ups and downs – writing to and waiting for replies, determining if the program was right and so on.  Eventually, I decided upon one university – and although their program was something of a departure from my training and experience, it was something I found exciting. So, that became my choice.

It certainly would seem like the Universe was moving things along as it needed to – each day bringing me closer to my destiny. It wasn’t all an easy ride though as mentioned earlier.  Not to be overly focused on the magical unfolding of events, there were many day-to-day ups and downs that remained a part of my life.  Moments of excitement, moments of disappointment, moments of anxiety, and moments of just being “blurred” by everything that was unfolding – so rapidly.

As eager as I was to move on to my so called “new” life – I started wondering too if I could actually make it – i.e., make the move.  I thought it would be easy since I was prepared and more importantly, there was such a strong yearning within to do this move.  But from time to time, the idea of – is this correct? Am I doing the right thing? Can I leave the people I love behind? Doubts would surface and resurface over and over again.  And each time, I paused to pray (to communicate – to listen), the inner voice, as always, calm and without judgment nor irritation, maintained the same message.  “Do not be afraid. Know that I am with you. My grace shall be sufficient unto you.”

I knew I had to trust this inner voice – this instinct – this whatever you may call it.  I had experienced this enough times in my life to know – I need only trust and let go, and all things will be made possible. And each time I encountered this – I did let go. But it didn’t take long before the fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty will resurface – again and again and again.

A number of events made me wonder and question whether this will actually ever take place – i.e., my moving to NZ. Among the many things, let me just touch on three of them.

The Break-In: During a week when both my mom and I were in KL for an event, her house was broken into.  All the foreign currency I had saved (mainly in NZ$ but also in US and Aust $) were stolen.  In total, the loss was approximately RM 20k.  That would take a huge toll on my budget – as I had worked it out to where there was just enough to bring me through the first year in NZ (with no additional income).  Not knowing whether I will be able to find employment there, I had to be sure to have enough to at least complete the programme I had enrolled myself in. With the loss, it meant having to re-work the budget to see if this was still possible.

Health issues: A month or so before it was time to go, my mom “suddenly” became unwell. Examining the situation then led me to questioning myself whether in fact it was the right thing to move to NZ at this time. Doubts, guilt, sense of filial piety and all sorts of emotions were raised. What was the right thing to do? Should I stay? Don’t I owe this to my mother to be with her during her twilight years? Isn’t that the right thing to do? This is the woman who gave birth to me. She raised me and, over the years, has made all sorts of sacrifices for me. Shouldn’t I owe her this little to stay on with her for whatever time she has left in this life? But then what about owing to myself? I have always expounded on the idea that we need to be responsible for our own self – and that this is not selfish. We need to make choices that are right for us – whether they are agreed to by others or not. We all have only one life to live, and we need to be true to ourselves – our own callings, our own purpose. What is the right choice?  And so I suggested to my mom that I could delay my going to NZ to stay back. After all, life (the routine of life) would seem easier to get back into here than if I went off overseas too, right?  But as has always been the case with my mom, her love for us is greater than that for her self – and she readily said to me “No, son. You must all move on with your lives and choose where you want to go. I will support your decision.”  It turned out harder to leave than I thought it would be. Not just leaving my mom, but also others who have come into my life – and are now so significant. Leaving one’s “comfort zone” for the unknown – it can be exciting but also tremendously scary.

Visa and my passport: When it came to the last two weeks before my departure, things became very frantic.  I had much earlier considered that if my visa application failed, I would still be able to proceed going in with a vistor’s pass (or social visa).  It would just mean costing more as I would have to leave NZ every three months. What I did not anticipate was that my passport will be held by the immigration while they processed my application.  The date to my departure was getting closer and closer (as tickets had to be purchased earlier to avoid higher costing flight tickets), and my passport was still not back with me.  Attempts to get the Visa Application Centre to respond to my enquiry was quite futile. I guess they have their own SOP and they weren’t going to entertain everyone who wrote to them to “rush” their process.  Again – the doubts, the worries, the anxieties.  I kept thinking to myself – perhaps I am going to have to burn my tickets. Maybe it will just be a delay. It doesn’t mean I won’t be going; it just means going at a later date. And as I processed those thoughts, I was coming to a greater calm realizing that everything that happens, happens for a reason. And if I did not get my passport back on time and had to reschedule another flight, then so be it. Whatever will be will be.  Perhaps it was an experience to give me greater endurance; to “test” me so to speak to build greater perseverance; to not give up at the first sign of a challenge. And as I began to accept “whatever will be will be,” the passport arrive with the visa approved – on the Friday before I left (which was to be a Monday).

Now in retrospect - I think each of the events above (and others I have not been able to include - to avoid making this extremely long) were all to "test" my resolve - to see how committed I am - to grow my sense of perseverance.  And when I say "test," I am not saying God testing me. I've always been opposed to that idea as God doesn't have to test us since He already knows.  When a teacher tests us, he/she needs to determine how much we have learnt.  The test is an assessment that helps them gauge where we are in our learning process. But God does not need that since He is All Knowing.  So by "test" I mean it was for me to assess myself - for me to "practice" or "exercise" to strengthen my resolve.

Don’t think that having passed these that there are no more doubts or questioning or whatever.  They come and go – as in the past – though perhaps not as frequent (not at this moment anyway).  Not to forget the challenges faced during the trip flying over here from KL as well (I won't repeat them here as I had already written about this in an earlier entry). Perhaps I will always have questions – and perhaps that is just part of being human.

But the important thing is – I am here NOW.  I am finally in New Zealand. Two years plus from the first time I visited NZ until now – I have finally made it here.  How long will I be here? Will I decide to stay permanently after this one year of “try it out and see?”  I don’t have the answers to those questions.  I don’t want to make permanent plans because permanent plans change.  I remember once a visiting pastor said: “If you want to make God laugh, then PLAN.”  I would rather have an idea of what I want to do and still be willing to be moved by the Spirit of God or the Universe or whatever one chooses to label THAT – to guide me, to lead me, to bring me through to where ever I need to be.

I have been here coming up to a month soon. And now the more important question is (what I started out this 3 part blog entry with) – WHY AM I HERE? (what’s the purpose of my being here?)  That will be what I will go into NEXT.

A great sunny Sunday today (though again the wind is tremendously strong – which makes it very chilly).  I think I will go out and enjoy the sunshine some today.

Thanks for reading and walking with me …

Peace,
Syl