We’ve all come across the saying that we should never regret the past – and that we should look at everything we’ve experienced and draw lessons from them. Good or bad – every event in life has at least one lesson for us to learn. And if we fail to learn, then that experience will likely repeat itself until we learn what we need to.
While on an intellectual level, I know that holding on to
regrets makes for an unhappy life. As
Wayne Dyer said – no amount of feeling bad about anything is going to change
it. So, we should move on and draw what “message”
there may be in that event. Learn from it, and then make life better.
All that is true – and a part of me feels like what I am
about to say is going to sound like a cop-out (don’t know if that is how you
spell it) – BUT – hey, "I am only human." And a human being that is still “growing.” Like majority of the people in the world, I
guess, I have regrets. Much as I hate to admit it. I may not be able to name
them all, but I am sure there are regrets.
Of late, I’ve been thinking – the one biggest regret in my
life (at this time I think it is the one biggest regret) is how I lived my life
in the last 10 to 15 years.
In particular, how I lived it with my son. I look back to the days (years) past and
think – if only I could relive them. So
many things I should have done, I did not do. So many things I should not have
done, I did.
Each moment should have been enjoyed – should
have been appreciated – should have been with peace and love. I think to myself – if I could just get this
message to all parents NOW – love your children with all your heart. They will
grow up so quickly, and before you know it, they will be adults and living
their own lives. You may never be able
to go back and enjoy those moments you had. Taking them shopping, to the park,
to visit places, try new things, simply enjoy and appreciate life. All the
moments spent in anger, saying regretful stuff – those cannot be taken back.
And they have their toll – on your children and on you.
I regret. Yes, I regret. Not having been nicer to my son. Not having been a better role model – a better friend. He is all grown up now. With his own family;
he is himself now a dad. I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have
been kinder. I wish I could have been warmer and more loving. All the wrong
things said: I wish I could take them back.
But of course, I can’t. I can’t
turn time back. And if I could – at this
moment – choose to go back and change anything about my life, that would be
it. The one thing I would wish for. The
one thing I regret the most.
I don’t doubt he knows how much I love him or how important
he is to me. But to think of the pain I
have caused along the way – oh how I wish I could take them all back.
And in line with what I started this off with – look to the
event and learn from it. Not so much make amends, but make sure you do not do
them again (make the same mistakes). And if you weren’t warm in the past, be so
today – NOW. But still it isn’t the
same. Is it?
I wonder – at the end of time, my time that is, would I
still carry this sadness – this regret. On my dying bed (if I were to die that
way), would I be able to look at him and say, “Son, I am sorry for all the pain
in the past. You have been a great blessing in my life. I am so very proud of
you. And I thank God for having blessed me with your presence in my life.” Will
it be painful and filled with remorse? Or will it be filled with peace and
gratitude?
Guess I won’t know, right? For now – I have to find a way to
move on. Thousands of miles apart – I wish him well. I hope he has forgiven
me, that his wounds have healed, and that he no longer carries with him any of
the pain I inflicted.
I regret. I regret. I regret – but I have to move on and
trust the he will be better than me as a dad.
To my son:
Peace - Shalom
Syl
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