Then on 2nd January, I came across an article in the "local" newspaper (The Dominion Post) entitled How to find your love later in life. This gave me even more to think about .. what do I really want?
Apparently, according to the
article in that paper, “… new year is a natural time for single people’s
thought to turn to new love.” It also reports that “The first week of January
is the busiest time of the year for online dating sites …”
I don’t know how true that is, but
based on my conversation with some friends (as well as my observation from
status updates on social media), the search for a partner seems to be an
ongoing process all throughout the year.
Granted that holiday seasons appear to bring this out even more so for
many individuals. I used to believe (or
feel) that the Christmas season was especially true for me. I think it is the running around doing
Christmas shopping and seeing the many couples doing this together that would
get me thinking about how nice it would be to have someone to do that shopping
and gift wrapping with.
But having been single for – I don’t
know how long – I have also come to cherish the many positives that go with
being single. The things you hear about – like being free to do what you want
to do when ever you want to without having to worry about someone else. No commitment
– just free to go here or there, eat, sleep, read a book, go for a walk without
ever to think if the time matched someone else. That is “bliss.” But there there are also those moments, when
you encounter a scenary so beautiful (for example) and there is no one to share
that moment with. That kinda takes away some of that “bliss.” Of course, being
with a partner doesn’t guarantee you that she will equally bask in the beauty
of that moment. After all, we don’t all share the same appreciation – the likes
and dislikes, right? If we found someone who shares everything we like, wouldn’t
we have found just another “us?” Thus the need to find someone truly
compatible, we need to find someone who shares our interest, don’t we? But then
what about the idea of opposites attract? Compatibility as in someone being
complementary to us?
Anyway, I see so many struggling
to find that “right” individual to make them “full.” And in their quest – so much
pain and disappointment. Complaints about the other not being caring enough,
this and that – and the list is endless.
And I think to myself – if you are always looking to find happiness in
someone else – that is some where external to yourself – then you are doomed to
a life of misery. I certainly don’t want
that. It also reminds me that peace,
happiness, a sense of self-actualization – they must all come from within. We
must find it within ourselves. Hence, I think the purpose of loving someone and
being in a relationship is in part a process of learning to set one free – that
one is both you and your loved one. It let’s you be who you are, who you want
to be, and who you are meant to be. That
also applies to the other person. The ultimate of test (I got this from one of
Wayne Dyer’s talks) is to love someone enough to let them decide to be who they
want to be, like what they want to like, and choose what they want to choose –
even when their choices and decisions differ from yours. It is not to want to change another person to
fit what you think they should be.
I see couples settling down (I so
dislike the term “settle”) with what they think they can get because what they
want is something they will never find. So they settle for the next best
thing. How sad is that? Why do we
convince ourselves that we cannot have what we want but need to settle for
something less than what we want? I mean, isn’t the universe so abundant that
it can and will provide for us what we truly truly want? Can we be happy if we
are always willing to settle for something less?
I remember many years ago – a well
meaning friend said to me: “you just have to stop being so picky. You are not
getting any younger, you know? Find someone. Think of 10 years from now. Who is
going to be there to take care of you when you are old? Do you really want to
be lonely? It’s time to settle down and get married.” I thanked that kind soul and pointed out to
him that in my estimate, marriage should not be to find someone to take care of
us in our old age. How selfish is that? And furthermore, we see so many
individuals who are married and even have kids – yet that does not guarantee
them that their kids or spouse will be there to “take care” of them in their
old age. Thus – in dealing with the old age issue and needing people to be
around is all about relationship with others, it’s about caring relationships,
forming bonds that will live a lifetime.
And not even thinking of the “what will I get by forming this
relationship” when you enter into that friendship. If you are genuinely concerned
and caring for others, you will always have others who genuinely care for you.
Isn’t that universal?
Back to meeting with some couples
recently. I met a couple who happens to
live where I do. They seemed like a
nice, young couple. I noticed they even bought a set of lounge chairs and have
them neatly placed side by side on their balcony. However, I have never seen
them sitting on the balcony together once.
I see them going out together daily – but apparently only for him to
drop her off somewhere and then he is back like 5 minutes or so later. And then again, he goes out to bring her home
in the evening – again out for about 5 minutes or so, and they are home. I see
her cooking, sometimes, in the common room and then later bringing the pot of
food to their apartment and that’s it.
They seem like nice couples. Usually smiling as they leave and as we
exchange the usual pleasantries – “Hi. How are you doing?” “Nice day out, huh?”
“Have a nice day.” And I can’t help to
wonder – what do they do all they when they are not out – cooped up in their
apartment (which is really just a big room the size of maybe 400 square feet)?
What can you possibly talk about with another person cooped up together all day
long?
Perhaps as an introvert – I find
that hard to wrap my head around. There
just isn’t enough space in between – individual space and individual time. Brings to mind what I read from Kahlil Gibran
in The Prophet. “… let there be spaces
in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” Ahh – together yet apart.
Will continue with more of this in
the next chapter. Thanks for reading.
Peace
Syl
Syl
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