Relationship – Part 2
To continue with the previous
entry – my conversations with some couples and singles.
Back to my neighbours – I took the
opportunity when it came up to start up a conversation. And very unlike me
(surprised myself), I was quite direct with some questions like: “so do you
ever run out of things to talk about daily? I mean – what’s there to talk
about?” I rarely, if ever, do these type
questions in social settings – leaving it for individuals to volunteer what
they want instead of asking what might be in my head. I usually keep the task of “questioning” only
to therapeutic sessions. Perhaps they
are Caucasians (assuming the stereotype believe that Caucasians are generally
more liberal and willing to share .. I know this is not always true for all
Caucasians) – they seemed not uncomfortable with the question .. both paused a
little and shrugged their shoulders.
There wasn’t any verbal answers from either – so I am left wondering and
hoping I didn’t cause the couple to start seeing some “thing” they didn’t
notice before. Last thing I would want is to cause ripples of discord in a
relationship.
With another couple,
I was able to learn how they decided to become a “couple.” Seems sad to me to
again hear of one’s choosing to “settle” with one’s chosen partner even when
the one is fully aware there is someone else more compatible and would be
happier with. The final factor that led
to the decision to stay together was “we’ve already been with each other so
long. It’s the right thing to do.” Right
thing? By who’s standard? Who set that rule? Right thing “cos we’ve already
been together for so long?” It’s like choosing “stability” over something that
may or may not work, I guess. But just because one has been with another for a
long time is no guarantee that this would work either. Is length of time together the all important
factor? Besides that was of course the
usual: family expectations, friends’ expectations, the possible hurt to the
partner, and so on. Well isn’t there an
obligation to the partner in being sincere and honest? Isn’t there a
responsibility to self for the same? To pursue what offers a chance for bliss
rather than one that is safe, comfortable, and okay??
I don’t know. I really can’t see “settling” for something
and not being true to one’s heart and desire.
In my past entries, I have touched on passion and finding our dharma and
following our heart. Isn’t this the same? Should we give up on a pursuit simply
because there is an easier path to finding something that is stable but perhaps
lacking excitement? Is life about settling then? Perhaps it is for many – but I
doubt that is for me.
And then there are the
conversations with friends and individuals who are currently single, who have
been single but searching, who seem to go in and out of relationships all
throughout the year. Seems like so much energy constantly placed in searching
for the right one. Then the usual, “He doesn’t care for me as much as I care
for him.” “We don’t seem to share the same interests.” “Why can’t I find
someone who will love me the way I want her to?” “I will never find someone to
love me; I am destined to be lonely.”
“He doesn’t care for me as much
as I care for him.” If you find someone whom you feel doesn’t feel the
same way for you as you feel for him/her .. if you meet someone whom you think
you have nothing in common or your interests are so diverse that you can’t
possibly appreciate the things he likes or that she can’t appreciate the things
you like – then why still stay in that relationship? Why keep chasing a person
to make him/her change to fit you? And even if you manage to succeed in
changing the other, what does that say about you loving him/her as they were to
begin with?
“Why can’t I find someone who
will love me the way I want her to?” Perhaps we need to first learn to
love ourselves? Love ourselves completely? If we don’t know how to do that, how
can we have someone love us the way we want? Can we even understand how it
feels to be loved?
“I will never find someone to
love me; I am destined to be lonely.” Is it true that all single people
are lonely? If we never find that ONE person, then we are destined for a life
of loneliness? Is this a cognitive dissonance? Are all married couples or just
couples – happy people? Getting married guarantees happiness?
Perhaps it is the
obsession – the continual chase for something that makes it elusive. There is a saying (or a song perhaps) that
goes: “Love (or happiness) is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more
it eludes you; but when you stop, it will come and gently sit on your shoulder.”
Perhaps it is in our desperate chase for it that makes us miss the actual thing
that we seek. We try to “make things”
happen and forget to let it be natural. And even when it doesn't feel quite right - or we know we feel more for someone else - we desperately cling on to the one that is the "safer choice," the one that is "endorsed by others (be it family or friends)," the one that will be less complicating. We simply settle. Why? All because of FEAR. All because of "DESPERATION" (that I might not find another).
So what do I want for myself? I will tell you when I figure it out. Stay tuned for the final episode. :)
Peace,
Syl
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